Unbreakable

Lately because it has been so beautiful out I have gotten a lot of beach time in....I like my new rock a lot. Similar to my igloo, just sitting on it watching as the sun makes the water shimmer is therapy for the soul.

This morning was especially soothing, but it was also extremely difficult as I began to wrestle with Jesus about some of the wounds that have formed in my life over the past couple of years. Hurt that I have just covered with band-aids...hoping they will heal with time. Heart aches in relationships that I haven't allowed myself to feel. Pain that up until extraordinarily recently I didn't consciously realize was there. There are three issues that arose in my conversations with Jesus...the idea of being emotionally unbreakable...the idea of trust... and struggling with the feeling of unwantedness. So I am trying to decide if I want to cover all three at once or do one at a time.

But I guess since these thoughts and conversations with Jesus took up 13 and a half pages of my journal...I should stick with the first one.

Unbreakable. In some ways this goes off my 'beautiful mess' entry of the other day. Learning to be ok being a mess. Learning that Jesus actually wants us to be weak. None of these things come naturally to the human race...but in particular no one likes to feel hurt.

Even though we know we can learn a lot from the pain in our life...no one walks around saying, "I hope someone betrays my trust today so I can have a learning experience in forgiveness." We for the most part avoid it at all costs...but inevitably it happens. I suppose Jesus of all people knew this all too well. One of his closest friends betrayed him...ultimately leading to his execution. So it is nice to know that we are never alone in hurt and pain that comes into our lives.

There is an old country song called "Impossible" (I don't know why lately I have been thinking about my life in terms of song but oh well). The chorus is:

Unsinkable ships sink
Unbreakable walls break
Sometimes the things you think could never happen
Happen just like that

And relating that with a Michael Duff song, he sings, "I wish my heart was unbreakable."

But hearts aren't made to be unbreakable. However, in the past year of my eating disorder I have begun to pretend fairly well that mine is. I learned the secret to not feeling heart pain...by creating hunger pain. However, that is just one of those band-aids. For more reference to this fyou can read the "Emotionless" entry from about a month ago.

But feeling pain I think is extraordinarily healthy....but I am not exactly sure how to do this. One single tear rolled down my face this morning at the beach...that is something, but it does not even closely resemble the pain that I know is in my heart. How do I convince myself that it is ok to break? I don't need to prove myself a rock anymore.

The ship is sinking
My heart is breaking....
But apathy is not the answer. My indifference to the pain in life led to a cold unbreakable heart...but it is slowly learning to beat again. Ana doesn't like this too much.

Acknowledging I am hurting and that that is ok. It is good.