Trust and Love

As promised, I want to blog a little bit about the second half of my beach conversations with Jesus yesterday.

"Love always trusts. Love is not skeptical but trusting. Love is not agnostic but believing. Love trusts the experience of love in other people. We can choose whether we want to trust or mistrust in life. We begin life as children with a natural attitude of trust. We are taught to mistrust others through our childhood into adulthood. We are educated to be skeptical, to suspend belief until we see enough evidence to warrant it. When we have had our trust abused by someone we love it will take time for that trust to be restored. " ~Ted Schroder (Go to this article to read more...I will reference this article a few times)


I have talked about trust many times in previous blogs. I have stated many times that I used to be an extraordinarily trusting person. I trusted people unless they gave me a reason not to (and even then there was a lot of grace). I expected the same back. Some people would have labeled me naive. Some say it is better to expect the worst so you won't be disappointed. But I was ok with that way of life. I saw good in everyone...actually some say part of my problem is that it was extraordinarily hard for me to pick out bad qualities in anyone. I'm kind of glad that some of this still rings true. However, in regards to trust, this past year or so I have turned a complete 180. You have to do a lot to earn my trust and I don't like that at all.

Besides my parents and God I don't know if there is anyone I fully trust anymore...but I am working on it. Within the past year and a half...people that were close to me have betrayed my trust, counselors that I had been vulnerable with walked away, others have hurt me simply with their lack of care. Subconsciously I have slowly withdrawn.

As I said in regards to the counselor the other day, it would almost be stupid not to be I skeptical. However, I believe somewhere in the Bible that it either says or implies that love is always trusting. What does that mean? When you are hurt over and over again...in order to love that person you allow yourself to get slapped in the face again? I want to forgive these people that have hurt me, but I am left more than skeptical to them. I don't trust them. An extreme example, if someone murders someone you love...you might be able to forgive them...but would you ever leave them alone with your children? Probably not...that would be stupid. A less extreme example...If I were to hire a painter to paint my house and instead they robbed it. I could forgive them, but it would take a long time for me to ask them back to paint my house.


But when I think about it...those examples of hurt are a little more deliberate. What would happen if my future husband left me because he fell in love with someone else? Maybe I could forgive him, but if he ever came back, I don't know if I would trust him enough to remarry. And for another extreme example....how about someone who is abused by their spouse...either emotionally or physically. You hear the victims say, "They've changed. They won't do it again. I forgive them. I love them. I am going back." But I think most people would agree that this is stupid and and not healthy. Their health is in danger (whether it is emotional or physical).

So what is the line? How do love and trust and forgiveness work together? When is it ok to be skeptical and when is it good to learn to trust again? I was writing some of this to one of the members of my support team as well, but I can't help but think about Jesus and how many times I have betrayed his trust...how many times I have walked away in some form...The nails in his hands are proof that I have caused him a great amount of pain and hurt. I know he forgives me. I know he loves me. But does he trust me? Never really thought about that before. I've given him no reason to...but I honestly hope he does. Despite my actions and my thoughts -- he sees my heart. But what is the line between letting yourself be trampled on and trusting people just because you love them?

For me my lack of trust in people causes me to question their motivation. There was one point before Ana that if someone invited me out to dinner I would be delighted to go spend time with a friend...but now I question my friends. I now constantly feel like a burden to others because I have convinced myself that people are just motivated to be my friend or to show me care because of guilt. I am just a burden to others. I am just one more problem in their life. Without me, life for them would be so much better. Those are just some of things that Ana screams. She screams "Don't trust them. Trust me instead. I know how to end your pain."


Danielle asked me to come over to watch a movie with her last night. Once my reaction might have been "Yay fun!" But instead I hear Ana saying...Does she really want you to come or does she just want to make you happy? It is Lizzy's birthday today. Does she really want to celebrate with her or does she just pity me? Kaitlin invites me to a picnic...Does she really want to hang out with me because I am her friend...or because of guilt? I had the opportunity to spend the other day with Kacy's friend Kat, and even in that situation I wondered if she really had fun with me or if she just felt bad for me. Do people really love me or do they just pretend to because that is what they are supposed to do? Even Dr. Brackett and Charlotte - it is their job to help me, but I can convince myself that they really don't care.

So I have slowly begun to show people that I don't need them. I won't be a burden to them anymore. I am so strong that I don't even need food. I don't need their pity or their guilt.

A little messed up maybe?

However, back to this article by Ted Schroder. He doesn't really answer my questions that I just asked...but he does offer an interesting perspective on the idea of "love is always trusting." He uses "doubting Thomas" as an example in proving that by Thomas mistrusting his friends about the resurrection of Jesus he did them an "injustice". "By mistrusting them he distanced himself from them. Love identifies with others through trust, whereas mistrust backs away from others." And that's exactly what I have been doing with my friends listed above. I have backed myself away from them simply because I have chosen mistrust over love.

Danielle has never given me a reason to question her motives.
Lizzy has done nothing but be there for me through extraordinarily rough days of city year.
Kaitlin certainly has never done or said anything that should cause me to lose trust in her.
Dr. Brackett and Charlotte have never so much as hinted that they are annoyed with me or have shown me anything less than care.

So can I just give them the benefit of the doubt that they love me? Therefore allowing me to love them back through trusting them. Can I embrace a relationship with these people and others without constantly fearing that one day they will betray me, turn on me, or abandon me? I want to love them like I want to be loved back. I want to trust them like I want to be trusted back. After all...I can't imagine a life without friends. Ooo feeling a song inspiration...

We Need Each Other - Sanctus Real
I think I caught a glimpse of
Life without friends
Bitter, empty, hollow, dark and lonely
We never meant to hurt each other
So can’t we trust again
And take it as a chance
To keep on growing

I don’t know why it doesn’t come easy
But I know that we could be happy
If we’d only learn to love
Oh oh we need each other
So what’s the fighting for
Oh oh we need each other
Please don’t close the door
Oh oh we need each other
Through all the highs and lows
Oh oh we need each other
‘Coz no one’s meant to live alone

Life revolves around the need
Of having someone
Causing every complicated feeling
I don’t want to loose you
And there is nothing wrong with
Telling me what you need
To keep our love strong
It’s just a part of being a family
Taking the good with the bad and the ugly
If we could only learn to love

And maybe we will do two songs today because I have another one stuck in my head...

Sheltering Trees - Newsong (so you can clink on this link and hear the song but there is also a picture video in the background of people I don't know)

It's been said a friend is like a mighty sheltering tree
A place of refuge we can run when trouble comes for you and me
Someone we can count on through the thick and thin
When the storms of life are blowing, there's
Just nothing like a friend

We all need sheltering trees
Friends in our lives who'll get down on their knees
And lift us up before the king of kings
We all need sheltering trees

There've been days that I was sure that I couldn't make it through
Clouds of doubt came rolling in and I didn't know what I would do
I would've given in and said I just can't go on
If it hadn't been for a friend that helped me to be strong

You can face the highest mountain and
The climb won't feel so high
Or cross the darkest valley and it won't seem so wide
Nothing is impossible when a friend is by your side

But back to those who have hurt me...the counselors...the professionals...the friends...the acquaintences. I can say that I don't think any of them deliberately hurt me which makes it far easier to forgive but the issue of trust is still there. Taking the one counselor that completely stopped talking to me because I was "too critical"...I can forgive her. I can acknowledge that she may be a far better counselor to others. She was just unable to meet my needs which is fine. But I don't trust her and would never go back. Is that a lack of love?

ahh just more confusion to add to my mess. But to any of my friends who might be reading this...thanks :) I really appreciate you guys. All of you.