I would die for you

That is the title of one of my favorite MercyMe songs.

But it was a little convicting today as it came on my mp3 player as I was running at the gym..

"You never know why your alive, until you know what you would die for."

I used to be able to listen to that song knowing why I was alive...I was living for Jesus. I would die for Jesus. He was the only thing worth living for.

Although I still believe that (even though at times it is hard to see), as my tired body was forcing myself to run 4 more miles today, I began to realize I was living for something else - I was dying for something else. I was dying to be thin.

Here are the statistics:

A study by the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders reported that 5 – 10% of anorexics die within 10 years after contracting the disease; 18-20% of anorexics will be dead after 20 years and only 30 – 40% ever fully recover

The mortality rate associated with anorexia nervosa is 12 times higher than the death rate of ALL causes of death for females 15 – 24 years old.

20% of people suffering from anorexia will prematurely die from complications related to their eating disorder, including suicide and heart problems

Only 1 in 10 people with eating disorders receive treatment

About 80% of the girls/women who have accessed care for their eating disorders do not get the intensity of treatment they need to stay in recovery – they are often sent home weeks earlier than the recommended stay

Treatment of an eating disorder in the US ranges from $500 per day to $2,000 per day. The average cost for a month of inpatient treatment is $30,000. It is estimated that individuals with eating disorders need anywhere from 3 – 6 months of inpatient care. Health insurance companies for several reasons do not typically cover the cost of treating eating disorders

The cost of outpatient treatment, including therapy and medical monitoring, can extend to $100,000 or more

This terrifies me and saddens me...will I ever get out? I should mention though that although my doctor uses the term "anorexia" to describe my condition, according to the official medical definition of anorexia I technically don't have it - I don't meet one condition and that is I am not officially underweight according to BMI standards....although in the past I have bordered this line greatly. And it is simply because of this fact that the Klarman eating disorder center would not accept me. I try to convince myself that because I am not underweight I am fine...but I certainly don't feel fine.

Excerpt from the something fishy website:
"The Eating Disorder, Anorexia, is a unique reaction to a variety of external and internal conflicts, such as stress, anxiety, unhappiness and feeling like life is out of control. Anorexia is a negative way to cope with these emotions. New research indicates that for a percentage of sufferers, a genetic predisposition may play a role in a sensitivity to develop Anorexia, with environmental factors being the trigger. "

"The person suffering with Anorexia may be abnormally sensitive about being perceived as fat, or have a massive fear of becoming fat ...They may be afraid of losing control over the amount of food they eat, accompanied by the desire to control their emotions and reactions to their emotions. With a low self-esteem and need for acceptance they will turn to obsessive dieting and starvation as a way to control not only their weight, but their feelings and actions regarding the emotions attached. Some also feel that they do not deserve pleasure out of life, and will deprive themselves of situations offering pleasure (including eating). "


So Ana...Somewhere along the way you have become a messed up god. Somewhere along the way I have learned to trust you more than anyone else. When before I would do anything to please Jesus...now I would do anything to be thin. That is so messed up and I want out.

It has been a tough week. Not going to lie, it has been one of those weeks that I simply don't have the energy to lift my head off my pillow because there is not enough calories in me to make my brain happy. I gather enough energy to do my daily gym routine but come back and collapse for most of the afternoon. I find myself snapping at people a lot more than I ever would before - which is a side effect of hypoglycemia. Glucose makes my body happy and if it doesn't have it, it will be sure to let the rest of the world know.

But because somewhere deep within me, I know I want to follow Jesus more than anything else, I am still going to choose to believe that He can rid me of this and that I will not die because of it.
So I think I want to post the rest of the song I started with...

I would Die For you - MercyMe
And I know that I can find You here
'Cause You promised me You'll always be there
Times like these, it's hard to see
But somehow I have a peace, You're near
And I pray that You will use my life
In whatever way Your name is glorified
Even if surrendering
Means leaving everything behind

My life has never been this clear
Now I know the reason why I'm here
You never know why You're alive
Until you know what you would die for
I would die for You

And I know I don't have much to give
But I promise You I will give You all there is
Can I possibly do less
When through Your own death I live?
No greater love is found
Than of those who lay their own lives down
As sure as I live and breathe
Now I know what it means to be free