So I switched topics to explain a little of why my brain is so tired. Math. I once was a math major. You would think I still was by the way numbers rule my life.
At dinner tonight I did start to think back a little to when life was 'normal'. I thought back to that now vague memory of the days that my mind was not controlled by food....the days that I ate when I was hungry and what I was hungry for. (There was none of this 'let's eat lettuce every single day for lunch whether I want it or not') I never thought about what I ate and now that's all I seem able to think about.
Meals are draining. The process that goes into eating is a full time job in itself. Just to get a glimpse of my chaotic and messed up mind...this is what I typical day is like.
I normally wake up at 6:30ish...whenever I hear the first housemate up and moving around. Because I do have hypoglycemia...after a night of sleeping my body is normally in desperate need of some sort of glucose before it is able to do much of anything. However, I refuse to eat anything until 7:00. Everything needs to be organized. So at 7 I go directly to my cupboard to get my cereal. The cereal of choice now is Cookie Crisp that I measure exactly a cup out into my bowl. Then pour in a half cup of milk. Liquid of choice -- either water or zero calorie powerade. It doesn't matter that I still feel hungry...I never give myself anymore. Honestly, I don't remember the last day that (if I ate breakfast at all) it didn't start out with a cup of cereal and a half cup of milk.
So now the day has begun. I have note pads all over my room that I record precisely every single thing I intake into my mouth. So the start of the morning looks like this:
Calories
Cereal - 135
Milk - 60
I put a sticker on my sticker chart which is supposed to somehow congratulate myself that I ate breakfast...but sometimes I think it just plays into the organization and control of it all.
Now the exercise must begin. I spend approximately a half hour doing a very specific dancing/stretching routine. After this I have time to either run errands or if I am smart - spend some time with Jesus. But wait! I wander into the kitchen and find myself snacking on some weat thins. Ana screams, "Jenna what did you just do! You just screwed up my perfect plan for your eating today. You must now figure out exactly how many calories are in each wheat thin that you ate!" Lucky for me, wheat thins are a popular munchie so I know there are 7 calories in each one. I ate three. 3 x 7 = 21. But I always round up -- meaning I write down that I consumed 25 calories. If I don't know the calorie number off hand, I make a run to my computer to "google" the amount of calories in everything. If I can't find it, then I have to guess. I normally go for the extreme so 1/4 of a cookie will be 40 calories.
2nd meal of the day (for my hypocemic diet) comes at 10...(I will eat after 10 but never before). This is normally some sort of fruit. Today I have pineapple in the refrigerator. I measure out exactly a cup and are now able to add a sticker to the sticker chart.
So if you are following me....my note pad looks like this:
Calories
Cereal -135
Milk - 60
Wheat thins - 25
Pineapple - 80
Now it is time to go to the gym (actually because today is memorial day the gym was closed so I started to flip out...but no worries, I was able to run outside). It is a close to a ten minute walk to the t station and then after taking a short train ride it is a 20 minute walk to the gym. But you better believe even the waiting for the subway times I am up and pacing around - just to burn off more calories. I might chew on a piece of gum just to keep my sugar levels happy. I make a mental note - 5 more calories. I get to the gym and start running on the treadmill. I start typing in all the numbers...a 6 for six mph. 23 for my age. 145 for weight (again...I have no idea how much I weigh I just know it is a ridiculously large number)...this machine is now able to calculate exactly how many calories I burn. So yay some peace! I don't have to worry about any more numbers for 40 minutes because the machine is going to take care of numbers for me. But it's not that easy. I put a piece of candy in my mouth to assure myself that I will have enough glucose in my body to make it the entire 4 miles. Another mental note - 5 more calories. I now cover up the numbers on the treadmill with my sweat shirt because otherwise I just stare at them and time goes by so slowly. But I am listening to my mp3 player. If I can listen to 8 songs straight I allow myself to look at the distance on the treadmill to see how far I have run. When I finally look, to my great dismay I am only at three miles. I have an entire mile left to go. I am exhausted. I am hot. I am sweaty. But I will push myself that extra mile. If not, Ana tells me I have failed. But what a feeling of great accomplishment when the 4.0 rolls around. I do a 4 minute cool down. 456 calories burned. Yay!. But gym time is not over yet. I go to a side room and do the same half hour dancing/stretching routine that I did earlier in the day. So many people at the gym tell me I'm their inspiration...if they only knew. And now it is a half hour walk back + a ten minute t ride.
From the time I leave the house until the time I get back from the gym...that is almost 3 hours. So I am in desperate need of lunch by the time I return. Salad. Every single day it is salad. However, I now have a MUCH healthier salad than I did three months ago. (It used to be nothing besides lettuce and carrots but my nutrtionist has helped make it healthy but adding protein and 'healthy fats'). Everything that goes in it is measured. Another sticker goes up.
Calories
Cereal - 135
Milk - 60
Wheat Thins - 25
Pineapple - 80
Gum - 5
Candy - 5
Lettuce and carrots - 25
Black Beans - 35
Raspberry Vinagrette Dressing - 15
Sunflower seeds - 60
Craisins - 40
Cucumber - 10
Feta Cheese - 25
Egg - 40
Have I worn you out yet? The day is only half over. Lately after lunch I collapse in bed...sleeping for up to 3 hours. At some point in the afternoon I may wander back into the kitchen and eat that cookie after all...even though Ana is screaming not to. But I am hungry. 125 more calories (because again I don't know how many are really in the cookie - I have to guess so it is better guessing higher than lower). Afternoon snack comes at 4. At one point this would be more fruit but I am getting a little better...it is now an avocado, tomato and cheese sandwhich.
Calories
Cereal - 135
Milk - 60
Wheat Thins - 25
Pineapple - 80
Gum - 5
Candy - 5
Lettuce and carrots - 25
Black Beans - 35
Raspberry Vinagrette Dressing - 15
Sunflower seeds - 60
Craisins - 40
Cucumber - 10
Feta Cheese - 25
Egg - 40
Cookie - 125
Avocado - 40
Cheese - 80
Bread - 100
Ok...now the hard part comes....making it from afternoon snack until dinner without munching too much. Normally this involves me getting out of the house in some way. I will do anything to avoid a meal. I love getting together with other people during meal times but not for meals. As long as I am out of the house, I won't be tempted by food, therefore I can't eat. The beach, library, boston commons, target...all great escapes. I am also a huge fan of walking. I will walk anywhere to burn off more calories. I go for random walks all the time.
Dinner is pasta. A measured out 3/4 cup. With a tablespoon of parmesan cheese. Sometimes I add sauce...but not usually. On very good days I may even add a veggie burger. But that is ultimate stress.
Evenings are actually very hard because all the housemates come home and they are cooking and eating food and I want to interact with them...but I don't want to be around food. This is normally the point in time that my mind starts to race. Would it be ok if I intook a few more calories? I can't concentrate on anything besides what I can eat and what I can't eat. The housemates may talk to me but my mind is a blur as I try to keep track of everything I put in my mouth...a few more wheat thins - 15 calories... a popsicle - 15 calories, a cracker - 10 calories.
Calories
Cereal - 135
Milk - 60
Wheat Thins - 25
Pineapple - 80
Gum - 5
Candy - 5
Lettuce and carrots - 25
Black Beans - 35
Raspberry Vinagrette Dressing - 15
Sunflower seeds - 60
Craisins - 40
Cucumber - 10
Feta Cheese - 25
Egg - 40
Cookie - 125
Avocado - 40
Cheese - 80
Bread - 100
Pasta - 210
Parmesan - 20
Popsicle - 15
Wheat Thins - 15
Cracker - 10
Finally I see the day coming to an end. So far things have stayed fairly controlled. It is time for evening snack. I want ice cream so much. Everything in me says, "Go for the homemade icecream." I make it for everyone else...but I rarely eat it myself. But instead nine times out of 10 I tend to go for the 40 calorie, no sugar added, fat free fudgcicle. However, as I realize the day is over...and I am still hungry, what do I do? Maybe a few more munchies...a fourth a cup of cookie crisp - 25 calories. Oops way too many teddy grahams - 140 calories. Watermelon - 15 calories.
I have now failed. I have "munched" too much. Things are out of control. My mind hurts with all of the numbers I try to keep in it. But it is time for the final calorie count...
Calories
Cereal - 135
Milk - 60
Wheat Thins - 25
Pineapple - 80
Gum - 5
Candy - 5
Lettuce and carrots - 25
Black Beans - 35
Raspberry Vinagrette Dressing - 15
Sunflower seeds - 60
Craisins - 40
Cucumber - 10
Feta Cheese - 25
Egg - 40
Cookie - 125
Avocado - 40
Cheese - 80
Bread - 100
Pasta - 210
Parmesan - 20
Popsicle - 15
Wheat Thins - 15
Cracker - 10
Fudgcicle - 40
Cookie Crisp - 25
Watermelon - 15
Teddy Grahams - 140
Total: 1395
Ok...it's not terrible. My nutritionist wants me at 1800 (and that would be maintaining weight without excercise)...but in my head the goal is to stay as far away from that number as possible. I finally can go to sleep...only to awake the next day and do it all again.
I dream of a day though that I don't have to do this anymore. That my mind will begin to think of things good and wonderful and I can interact and be social with people...not having to worry about when I will be around food and when I won't. Food will become simply nourishment. I long for the day that everything will no longer have to be measured. I look forward to the day that I will have freedom in food choices and my three main meals will not always be cereal, salad, and pasta. What would happen if I woke up in the morning and decided I wanted scrambled eggs? Maybe not tomorrow, but maybe someday that would be ok.
I dream of being able to go out with friends and not having to look up the menu of the restaurant before we go. Someday I will not order the lowest calorie thing on the menu. One day I might even get dessert. How wonderful would it be it eat an ice cream cone? With no worries of gaining weight. An unmeasured ice cream cone. Someday I will make a pizza...without measuring out the cheese I put on top. Someday I will be able to enjoy house dinner. I will be able to eat with people at church, and although it is simple, at community group I may some day be able to have some chips and salsa...without trying to figure out how many calories are in each chip :)
My calorie count for this particular day was 1490. That is the number I just wrote on my sticker chart. I am not happy with that number. I actually ended up going with the ice cream for my last snack and that was a huge mistake. Even worse because I have a doctors appointment tomorrow morning and he may weigh me again...another number. That I have perfectly convinced myself has gone up because I ate too much today and was unable to run as much as I would used to because I couldn't go to the gym. I'm even more stressed because of the doctor's appointment in the morning I won't be able to go to the gym tomorrow either. But that's ok....I just won't eat breakfast.
So I am just exhausted writing this all out. This is the way my brain works. It is all about balancing numbers out and keeping them all as small as possible. Numbers determine my worth to the world. My calculator comes with me everywhere but I really don't need it anymore...my brain has become a great one.
“I can keep my life so very small and very controlled but I hate it. I’m so tired.” ~Sarah P.
Couldn't of been better stated.
Can you imagine doing this plus holding a job with city year? I am surprised I lasted as long as I did! Some people suggest going back to work hoping that will get me thinking of something besides food, but from experience it doesn't help. It just stops me from doing my job to the best of my ability.
But I still have hope. Why? Because I know things are getting slowly better. 3 months ago my entire calorie count day looked like this.
Calories
Cereal - 155
Milk - 60
Lettuce - 25
Dressing - 30
Pasta - 210
Parmesan - 20
Total : 500
So have I made improvements? Yes...most definitely.
But such a long way to go.....
I just want to forget it all...even for a day. Every once in awhile I am able to...a day comes once in a blue moon (namely on holidays) that I just say screw it all. However, it is not true freedom because on these days because my body is so hungry I can eat so much I get sick and I also know I will have to wake up the next day and compensate by starvation and running. So I have learned that it is not worth it. It's better to keep things 'safe'.
I hate safety.
No comments:
Post a Comment