Joy

The past month or so at Reunion the messages have been on joy. If you are interested in hearing any of them you can click here.

I think they are probably my favorite series of messages so far and probably the ones that have had the most effect on me. Every single one of them has hit me right where I am at in life in some way. Every time I have left church I have had this renewed energy for life again...seriously these past few days I have actually been getting a little excited for life again. I am seeing that small glimmer of light in the darkness and that small hope is filling me with much joy. For the longest time I have felt hopeless and purposeless and dreadfully alone...and although I still don't have a clue what I should be doing with my life, it's kind of ok.

These past few days have been full of a lot of good times hanging out with friends. Allowing me to establish a small sense of belonging in relationships with other people. Yesterday Lizzy and I just took a walk down dot avenue...full of laughter and life...even the gross and icky parts of life. Saturday was picnic time by water with community group people...more joy in interacting with others (even though there were ticks and spider involved!).

The completion of the scrapbook I have to say has added to this joy a lot. I feel accomplished...like one mountain of recovery has been climbed. It's great showing it to other people and letting them in on a life that I have been hiding in so long. I already have 15 signatures and that is kind of impressive for a week period of time...it really helps me see how many friends and supporters out there that "want me to do well and want to do well with me." And I am off to the nutritionist momentarily so I hope to add her signature as well.

More than anything I am realizing that with joy comes peace and grace... which was actually the theme of the message yesterday. We were given a note card that we were to draw a blank on and then write "doesn't have the last word." So it looked like: _______________ doesn't have the last word.
Then we were told to just write a list of those things that keep us back from experiencing grace and peace in our life. Obviously the first word I wrote down was anorexia...but it was followed with the three big things that have kept me from living life in the fullest....hopelessness, loneliness, and failure.

Anorexia doesn't have the last word
Loneliness doesn't have the last word.
Hopelessness doesn't have the last word.
Failure doesn't have the last word.


I like seeing that wrote out.

I spent a good amount of time at the beach yesterday, and found a rock that reminded me a lot of igloo (except there is people around which I am just going to have to get over). It's an amazing feeling to have a cool breeze sweep over your skin....knowing that winter is over, spring is here...and summer is well on it's way.

Home Tonight by Chris Rice
I’ve come to my senses
How did I get so far from home
The lies dissipating
Revealing I’m so alone
And I remember now how strong love can be
And I wonder how did I ever leave?

Burn your fire on the altar
Leave a candle on the porch
I’m still too far away to see it
But I’m aching for its warmth
And I’m so tired and cold and dark and lonesome
But still I hear your song inside
So sing it louder if you want me home tonight
Sing it loud now, ‘cause I’m comin’ home tonight

This isn’t the first time
I’ve wandered away from home before
You’d have every reason
To slam and dead-bolt the door
But I remember now how strong your love can be
And I wonder how you might welcome me

Burn your fire on the altar
Leave a candle on the porch
I’m still too far away to see it
But I’m aching for its warmth
And I’m so tired and cold and dark and lonesome
But still I hear your song inside
So sing it louder if you want me home tonight
Sing it loud now, ‘cause I’m comin’ home tonight

Into your arms, to my back yard
Where I used to play
How I miss the days...

"Life without [your eating disoder] is worth it. It is worth all the pain that goes along with recovery. It is worth feeling fat for a little while or for as long as it takes. Recovery is worth constantly driving to and from therapy, dietitian, and doctor appointments. It is worth the struggle, the relapses, and the feelings of hopelessness....Life without [your eating disorder] is definitely the road less traveled....The hard thing to do is to get on the recovery path and make a commitment to never get off no matter what you may confront. The real challenge is to let other people support you on your journey. And I challenge you to have fun along the way. Learn about yourself, try new things, and let people get close to you." ~Jenni Schaefer in Life Without Ed