Perception

My perception on life is way off. This is nothing really new to most people, however, it is a slightly recent revelation to me. Its hard for me to comprehend that people don't think of me the way I think of myself.



I guess my realization started on this when the doctor wanted to weigh me a few weeks back. (For context go to the April blog entry entitled "Fat"). It was nearly impossible to see that when he said I was healthy that he wasn't really telling me I was fat cow. It's hard for me to see that people want me to be healthy and that I am not failing the world if I gain weight. It's also extremely hard for me to see that I am not a burden to others. I don't think there is a single person in my life that I would label as a burden to me, however, in my perception of myself...people only put up with me out of guilt...which I am slowly begining to realize is a little distorted in itself.

Last night at Community group it was now my turn to tell my "story". I surprisingly put very little preparation into it simply because I knew the second I would start thinking about it I would become extremely nervous. Therefore I chose not to think about it at all up until a few hours before hand. Ana had truly convinced me that I had no story to tell because I have been so enveloped in darkness to the point that darkness is the only thing I could see...I forgot completely that this past year has only been only one out of 23...my line of vision in all directions (past, present, and future) was just black. But in reality up until this past year...a lot of exciting and good things were happening in my life and there was a point that I actually liked myself (shocking I know)...so this stuff was good for me to reflect on. It helped me get a little perception back that this is just going to be one small part of my entire story...and although right now all I can see is muddy blackness...it is not always going to be this way.

But I think the hardest part of story telling is the affirmation part afterward where all the other group members pour out to you the things they like about you...I think everyone who has gone so far can agree that it is kind of hard to sit there and say nothing when you just want to dispute the things that are being said.

However, I love this part when it comes to affirming others. It is nice to reflect on what amazing people they are....and frankly from the 3 people who have already spoken, I have learned a lot from them. I am getting into the habit of taping to my fridge the words that I think describe the qualities I have learned from these people...from Nathan, patience and generosity...from Seth, confidence (in grace) and honesty...from Kaitlin courage and authenticness (is that a word? ..better put I guess would be not afraid to be who she is...real).

Needless to say, due to the fact that my own perception is way off...it is incredibly hard for me to believe the positive things other people say about me...let alone accept them. This is a new goal in life -- to raise the self esteem back up.

However, this all goes back to the idea of trust that I have been tallking about a lot lately. I now can recognize that I can not think clearly, so trusting other people to help me with this and believing them. Although it sounds weird...I should not be believing myself or even trusting myself because I simply don't have the right perception or even have my best interests in mind. But thinking back to my "story" before anorexia...I trusted everyone. There were a lot more people that kept my trust than those who hurt me. So slowly learning to take risks again with human relationships because more often than not they are worth it. They may take work, but I can't live my life thinking that everyone will one day hurt me.

Unfortunately, this is a lot easier to write than put into practice, because Ana is there whispering, "No worries. I am safe. I will be your friend that will never leave you. As long as you have me, you will not have to feel pain."
And even when I get to the point that I want to feel pain over starvation...every natural instinct tells me to run to safety...to help on the Ana life boat. And I just don't know how not to and to learn to take the risk of learning to swim or even as Dr. Brackett says, "tread water".

But again...I will try.