Safe

I met with Dr. Brackett again this morning. It actually went remarkably well because for the first time I am realizing I am learning to trust him. I hold like no trust in anyone anymore so this is a big step. I am beginning to be able to communicate with him a little better, and getting a little better about accepting his advice.

The first question he always asks me is "How are you doing?" Which is kind of a loaded question. The surface answer that every one seems to expect is "good" or even "great". I normally respond with one of those two. Then he kind of looks at me and rewords the question so I know he really wants to know how life is going and doesn't want the typical response, "How are things going?"

At this point I normally give him a look of utter despair because life is beyond chaotic and dark and confusing but I really don't know how to word this without feeling like I am portraying myself as a complete failure so it normally comes out a jumbled mess.

But today, (after giving him the dramatic story of our refrigerator dying)...I told him things were ok. He told me that that was the first time he got that kind of response from me after asking me that question. He then asked, "What makes things ok?"...then I realized I had completely lied to him in some ways. I continued to explain to him that things were ok for me, but to the rest of the world it probably wouldn't be viewed as ok at all. I had been back sliding. What made things ok was that I felt safe again. Life wasn't crazy and chaotic any more and I didn't even feel morbidly obese because Ana had once again convinced me that I didn't need to eat. I had once again numbed all the pain I was experiencing...making life ok. It is very controlled and predictable. I now run four miles almost everyday...soley to burn off more calories. I feel good about myself again because I know as long as I run that much and eat as much as I do...it is impossible to gain weight.

But the thing is, deep down inside, I don't want to be safe....because it is a hopeless safe. It is feeling like I am a complete lost cause because I can't get out of this vicious cycle of destruction. It is a complacent safe...it is accepting that this is the way I am now. But a reunion message rings in my head, "The darkness is not who you are." I have lived in darkness so long that I have convinced myself that this is all there is too life. Suddenly the light is actually what is scary.

One of my favorite authors has always been C.S. Lewis. I love the chronicles of Narnia and get a lot of my inspiration from life from them. I feel like I am in a very similiar situation that the dwarves found themselves in in The Last Battle. They had been thrown into a dark and smelly stable, but really they had been thrown into the very country of Aslan. But they just refused to see the light. They had lived in darkness so long that they just couldn't see the light.

I fear if I continue down the road I am on, that is where I am going to end up. I can still see the light right now...it just seems so far off. I am trying so hard to let my eyes see the little joys of every day life around me.

Oh Jesus, gosh how you know I don't want to be safe anymore. Ana has become my safety and she is pulling me from You.

I guess I will close with another great C.S. Lewis quote from The Great Divorce, "Will you come with me to the mountains? It will hurt at first, until your feet are hardened. Reality is harsh to the feet of shadows. But will you come?"

I'll try.