A Beautiful Mess

A beautiful Mess
As many will recognize, this is the title of my scrapbook as well. However, it sums up my life pretty well these past few days.

I am a mess....in so many ways. I can't think clearly. I can't see clearly. My perception of myself is way off. I can't trust people but I want to. I long for relationships with others...but I run from them. Intimacy scares me because of a huge fear of being hurt. There are good days but then there are bad days. I am frankly just so confused it is ridiculous.

But what is kind of cool is that I am becoming ok with being a mess. I kind of think that maybe when my life is out of control and chaotic that that is when God probably has the most control. When I am spinning in circles and getting ridiculously dizzy...I don't have control of anything. I feel like my feet are going to fall out from under me. So therefore...God can kind of just take everything because I don't have anything. It's not a complacent feeling of settling to stay in this mess...but it is becoming ok that day by day God will get me through.

I was talking to a friend last night and I started to say how I hated feeling needy and I hated being the weak one....but really, why is that so bad? I hated being unsure and confused and maybe even a little shaky in faith. I don't have everything figured out. But God accepts me...questions and all. So why can't I accept myself?

"But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong." ~1 Corinthians 1:27

"The eye cannot say to the hand, 'I don't need you!' And the head cannot say to the feet, 'I don't need you! On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable...."~1 Corinthians 12:21-22

Now that is a lot of hope for an imperfect mess. Indispensable. I don't know if I really believe that but I want to.

"If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness." ~2 Corinthians 11:29-31

And now that I am on a role and realizing greatly that I need to reread the letters to the Corinthians...

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." ~2 Corinthians 12:9

"...for when I am weak I am strong." ~ 2 Corinthians 12:10b

"We are glad whenever we are weak but you are strong; and our prayer is for your perfection." ~2 Corinthians 13:9

That just kind of got me really excited. And a little more hope can be seen. Knowing that Jesus is actually working in me even more because of my messiness. Most of the time I can't see the 'beautiful' part of the mess...but Jesus does.

And to end with another great song...
Only For the Weak - Avalon
Some say it's rules and regulations
And trying to always be right
No room for mistakes in the choices we make
For only the strong survive
But it's not about perfect performance
Or resolution of will
It's all about surrender
Giving up
Being still

It's only for the weak
For the faint of heart
Those driven to their knees
Those who live with scars
There's power from beyond
We're certain where it's from
And that's our source of strength
Before we follow Christ
We need to be advised
It's only for the weak

He welcomes the worn and weary
All who are wounded by sin
And just as we are, we can fall in His arms
Rest and find shelter in Him
Seems like each day is a battle
With burdens and struggles to face
Only in our losing
Do we really see how much we've gained

The Father always starts
With a willing heart
Open to how He moves
As His Spirit is poured
He will do so much more
Than we dreamed He could do


It's been a rough few days...but tomorrow is a new day.