The experience was almost surreal...I was so excited about it for the 24 hours before hand but when I walked into the school I kind of just froze. In some ways everything was the exact way it was when I left. However, in others ways I felt like I radically didn't belong (kind of the feeling I got after returning this past year to Houghton after I had already graduated). Life had continued on without me...which is a good thing. What made me really self conscious though was that it was the first time I was ever in that school without being uniform!
Even commuting to the school was different...as I made that familiar trek out, I realized something was different in me. Namely, I wasn't brain dead. I could ride on the t and keep my head in the air. When I was on the 21 bus I could actually stay awake. I wasn't walking in a fog. I wasn't dizzy. I actually walked past a fence that I used to walk by every day on the way to work and I have a memory of actually falling down into it because of malnourishment. I got to see everything with some new eyes. Even in the school it was amazing to interact with the kids with some form of energy.
When I was in City Year I worked in a 3rd grade classroom and then worked with first and second graders in after school. My co-worker, Ben, and I worked with the same kids. Ben actually quit City Year a few weeks ago but he was able to come too to have a small city year reunion with most of our original team and give the kids the surprise of their life....they had no idea we were coming.
We went up and saw our teacher Ms. Mark, when the kids were at special. When they started to return, they recognized Ben right away because he had only been gone a few weeks. However, it was far more fascinating as one by one you saw their jaws drop as they recognized the other girl who was standing in the back of the classroom. I heard a bunch of voices scream, "It's Jenna!!!!". And then it was all over....24 kids started mauling Ben and I with hugs...to the point we couldn't breathe and we were getting knocked to the ground. Corneilya told me, "You look so different." And it's true...I probably look a lot different than the last time I saw them. Besides the point that I was not in uniform, I also looked alive...not sickly and zombie like!
The thing that warmed my heart the most was little Makayla. She was one of my lunch buddy mentees. She is the one in the yellow sweat shirt in the picture below (ignore GaVin in the background...despite what it looks like, he is not really hurting that kid)
One of the things I did with my lunch buddy girls was teach them how to make friendship braceletts, however Makayla was the only one that was able to finish before I left. We each had one...I told her it was to remind each other of our friendship. But in the midst of the mass chaos of hugs yesterday, Makayla came up to me and said, "Look Jenna...I still have my friendship bracelett on." And sure enough...it was tattered and dirty but she was still faithfully wearing the bracelett we had made together 4 months ago. At this moment I was able to point to my own wrist and show her that I was still wearing mine as well. If tears could come, this would have been a very tearful moment.
After school was what I was looking forward to the most. I used to have so much fun with those first and second graders...and they adored me as much as I adored them :) I had my own little Penguin club. On command I could get them all to waddle like penguins. And if I am allowed to pick a favorite...Jaimie stole my heart away by her sweetness.
Poor Lizzy is completely wore out....I don't blame her... She has survived 9 months of this now!
Teaching Makayla how to draw a penguin
Literally...they tackled ben to the ground
Antelia looking super cool
The biggest penguin EVER!!!
Such sweet hearts
My angel with her perfect penguin picture
So we may have taken up the entire playground of the shaw with penguin pictures...
ahh...going through those pics makes me miss them all over again. As great as it was to see them...it was harder than I expected.
I have a distinct memory of standing in my classroom in mid january, explaining to the kids that I needed to leave City Year for awhile. I didn't know how long, but I promised them that I would be back. They flooded me with hugs then too as I walked out...anticipating being gone no more than 3 weeks. Ms. Mark had told the class that they were going to hold me to my word that I would return. So you can only imagine my extreme sense of failure that this never happened. I was glad I was able to return for the day to give them some sense of closure...but I was unable to complete my City Year like I promised Jesus I would back in September when we dedicated our red jackets. I failed. I was unable to do it. And that's hard to face. Especially when a girl in our class, Handful (yes her name is Handful), started to cry yesterday. When I asked her what was wrong she said, "Why did you guys have to leave?" I didn't even have an answer to that. I failed them. Failed myself. Failed my team. In some ways I feel like I failed God because I promised him as well that I would do this...I was doing it completely for him.
Throughout all the joys of going back yesterday...I was really frustrated with myself. Even putting the sense of failure aside, not one single tear was shed. Kids were crying, teammates were crying...I couldn't. I wanted to so much. I began to vocalize my tears saying, "I would be crying now if I knew how." "I should be crying." These kids were my life for almost 5 months. I had been looking forward to going back for so long. I had been imagining this day since the moment I left work. Returning to work was what I had been striving for. It was why I wanted to recover. It wasn't until very recently that I began to realize that I wasn't going to make it back as a city year member. This was the best I was going to be able to do. I was the person that would cry every single time watching Homeward Bound as all the animals returned to their family. And here I was, returning to my Boston "family" and still could show no emotion. And one by one I watched those parents pick up those kids and see them walk out the door for the last time...My city year was over.
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