Smack! ...and another poem.

Yup...it is a never ending rollar coaster ride.
I always have enjoyed rollar coasters...but if you ride one continuously for a year, it will make you sick.

I don't know why I just can't be consistent...the past few days have been full of hope and joy, but it is almost like from the moment I woke up this morning a wave of discouragement smacked me in the face once again....leaving me spinning round and round. It's just easier to put my sneakers on and run the other direction...and keep running until I forget what I am running from to begin with :)

The problem is that I try to make life easier than it really is. On good days I feel like it is over and I can just move on in life, but then when I wake up the next morning feeling smacked in the face, it is very easy to feel overcome with hopelessness once again.

But joy is a state of mind....not a feeling. It is taking patience that I feel very low on. I rush through life trying to be the person that every one wants me to be...trying to make the world a better place. But over and over I hear whispers, "Just be you."

It is hard, but kind of fun discovering who this new person is. I have been blogging and journaling a lot on this concept.
Just be.
Just be who I am.
Just get my feet wet a bit...splash around. At the moment I know God is not asking a lot of me. Romania was a "diving in" experience...but all he is asking of me now is to let those small ripples of grace sweep over my toes as I stand on the shore...as the tide come in, I will slowly become enveloped in love.

However, as I was sitting in a waiting room today I really began to think about how often I feel lost in a very big ocean...and not one of grace at all. I am panicking and drowning out there where there is no sight of land. However, I think this is where Dr. Brackett's 'treading water' concept comes in. Trying to swim will just lead to exhuastion but I need to just make those small movements to do what I can to keep my head above water...resisting the urge to take Ana's life boat. And one day as Jenni Schaefer wrote about, as I am out there treading water, I will get the courage to put my feet down and realize that I can stand.

But in other news today...I caved once more in my stand against therapists and had an appointment at the Boston medical center with which is now counselor #5 (within a year). I agreed to this appointment solely to humor the doctor. I really hold no expectations. I kind of bad for this new counselor (Kelly) because I come with so much skepticism. At this point I feel I would be kind of stupid not to....to not have some guard up in some way. But I will try....

and just because I feel like it is time to add this poem...
Set Me Free

No more chains to bind me down
No more thoughts that keep me bound.

I long to fly free like a butterfly
To rest your grace and not question why.

I've been lost in the darkness for way too long.
Still searching for a place where I can belong.

There are tears in my heart that won't flow to my eyes
I run and I run but it's myself I despise.

There is no hiding away from the pain
The voices of inadequacy scream in my brain

But somewhere down the road, I will be free
To be the person I was created to be.

So my dear friend, the goodbyes have begun
Because don't you see Anorexia? I have already won.