Who's to blame?

One of the main things that anorexia does to you is that it beats your self esteem down to the point where you have none left. You come to despise everything about yourself and the most painful thing to do is to learn to accept compliments from others.

Ana screams, "You are worthless." "You can't do anything right." "You are a loser" "You are a failure" "This is all your fault" "No one could possilby like you" "You are too needy"

Everything you do is wrong....if it is not perfect, and it never is. So of course, becoming anorexic to begin with is your own doing. I constantly aks myself how did I mess up? What did I do to drag myself this far in? I feel the never end need to apologize to everyone for dragging them down with me and apologize to God for messing up his plan for me.

But is it possible that it is not my fault? I wrestled with this idea before and I have heard from a few people that I am not the one to blame. It is technically a disease and I have taken great comfort in the past that Jesus came to heal the sick. However, countless times I have wrote in my journal things like "I know I have messed everything up but I'm sorry. Please Jesus get me out"

But as I was thinking about it last night, how did I mess up? What choice did I make that took me down this road of destruction? I keep putting all the blame on myself for "sinning" but am I really the one to blame?

I don't ever remember choosing this. Yes, I somewhere along the way began to make choices to eat less - but they were all completely subconscious. I didn't have a clue that I was doing anything wrong. Taking the word 'sin' for awhile. We are all sinners, I know that. As much as we try to do good and be good, at the end of the day we never will match up to the wonderful perfection of God. But I guess when I think of 'sinning' I think of doing something more deliberate that displeases God. When we sin we make a choice of choosing our own interests over God's interests. I know it is not really that clear cut. Satan has a way of decieiving you into believing that the choice you are making is the better one but you kind of know in your gut that this would not please God.

In theory the choice to eat or to not eat is more deliberate. But frankly that is only the surface problem anyway. One way or another I still have the emotions, feeling, and pain behind it that I feel like I have no control over at all. I never made the choice to have an eating disorder. In fact, very soon after I made the conscious realization that something was wrong I started seeking help...both from God and from others. I cried to God for help over and over again. I scream to him. I cling to him with everything I have. From the very beginning I called to him but a year later I still feel so unbelievably gross and am still beating myself up for "messing up". I have no idea what I did wrong.

But I have a hard time believing that God did this to me either. No doubt I believe He can bring good from it, but this is far too evil to be from God.

So the question is, who is to blame? Is there anyone? Can things like this 'just happen?'

Yea I think I am leaving this entry with more questions than answers...but I think that is ok.