Support

I don't think I will ever underestimate the power of support again....and along with that, how far and fast I can downward spiral without it.

This kind of comes from the fight for the indepence thing, for the longest time I was not very accepting of any kind of support. Part of this was just shame, being so ashamed of what I was going through and the person I was becoming because of it.

Another part was that I was living in denial that I even had a problem...more so actually that I had a serious problem that was actually killing me. Right from the beginning I knew that something was beginning to change in me that wasn't me. Some sort of darkness was overtaking me....however, I didn't think it was serious enough to worry others. The very first time I went to the health center I actually wrote in my journal something along the lines of "This is ridiculous. I don't understand why I am bothering the doctor over something so stupid when people with real issues come here...this is not a real issue, it is all in my head."

At times, this is still a lie that reverberates throughout my head that I believe. I don't want to bother people with my problems because other people have "real" problems. People are dying, people have lost loved ones, people have cancer, people have AIDS, people are starving for real because they actually don't have access to food. How can I even think about myself when there is so much "real" pain in the world?

But when I am honest with myself, I have to face the reality that I was one of those "dying" people....it may not be in the same way but without help I was not going to survive (in more ways than one). I started reaching out for help, but would run in shame away from it. Then when I got to the point that I started accepting it in some degree or another....help simply was not available or I could not afford it.

The worst of course was when I was basically told by the one center that I was not critical enough to get help from them. That let me retreat farther into the lie in my brain of "I don't have a problem."...when I knew all too well that I did. Asking for help was painful...I wouldn't have been asking if I wasn't at a point of absolute desperation.

I thank God so much for my friends, and my doctor and nutritionist, and my church, however, help is not easy....for the ones giving it or for me receiving it. People tell me truth at times that I don't want to hear. People want me to do things that I don't want to do. Ana is always there with her own opinion and I don't know who to believe. I don't know who I can trust. My life is unbelievably chaotic.

On the other end of things, I am not an easy person to be friends with right now, I am not going to deny it. One minute I can be happy and smiling and the next someone will say something that will completely throw me off and I don't know how to deal with anything - again because Ana is telling me one thing, but Jenna is in there somewhere as well trying to come out. With that constant battle going on inside of me, daily life is just exhausting.

People get tired of me really fast because my problems are bigger than they feel "qualified" to deal with. I don't blame them one bit - I would have walked away a long time ago. I can understand their frustrations. Friends that were with me from the very beginning have slowly begun to walk away because they are worn out.

However, I would just like to throw out there that the support of people means the world to me. People say things like, "they wish they could do something"....they underestimate how much they can actually do. I am not looking for people to solve my problems, I am just looking for someone to listen. I do it to too when it comes to helping other people with anything....sometimes I began to think that I never could do enough so I don't do anything at all. But I have come to appreciate all too well the emails, the prayers, the notes, the phone calls, and the late nights of people just listening to me vent. I know listening isn't easy because we are such a proactive society that we just want to "do" something to fix the problem. Just listening can make a person feel so helpless, but at least for me, the people who have done nothing but listened have been by far the most helpful.

The battle is within me, no one really can do anything to fix the problem besides me and God. Simply listening shows me two things...that there are people that care and that I am not alone. It also helps me get some of the thoughts out that are just trapped in my head.

As I now officially have dumped the counselors I must admit I am getting scared because I feel so drastically alone. I don't want to depend on counselors but I am also beginning to realize that I don't have the support that I need if I am ever going to get out of this pit of destruction once and for all. As I am reading the stories of other people's recovery journeys....no one ever gets out without a ton of help from around them....which again is hard but I have realized that I need to start forming a very purposeful support team. At the moment I don't think I am quite sure how to do that....but I will work on it.....more to come on that.


But right now it is a beautiful day and I am going to go enjoy it to the best of my ability :)