Emotionless

“Jesus, just bring tears. I am not asking for happiness or laughter. Those things would be great but right now all I want to do is cry.”

"Jesus, what scares me the most at this point is that I still can't feel. I still can't cry... no matter how much hurt and pain I am experiencing in my life. I feel like I am building tears up in my heart...but it just makes my heart feel like a stone because they won't come out."


"It's frustrating because I want to cry so much but I just can't. My body just tenses up but no tears ever flow to my eyes. I don't know how to express frustration, anger, sadness,...anything."

"March 15, 2009 2:57am Jesus, I just thought I should let you know that it is not ok anymore.Do you see my insides shake with fear?...Yet not one single tear will fall from my face. I will say it again….this is not ok. Jesus I seek you…I really do…but your presence seems so far from me. It’s so scary Jesus. My own mind is the most petrifying place to be. I can’t escape. I just want to throw up, but I can’t even do that. I have spent a lot of time lately rereading my journal entries from the past year. In a good many of them, no matter what ickiness I write about, I end on an optimistic note, something along the lines of ‘it will be ok.’ But it’s not Jesus. I want my heart to beat again, that is, beat with life. Right now it is just a rock pumping in my chest. I want to run Jesus. I want to break down these walls around me and just run…never stop. But there is absolutely no place to run to. No one wants to talk about it anymore. How can something so evil have so much power over me. I want to feel. I want warm tears to fall down my face. Something to acknowledge that there is more than deadness inside of me….I feel like I have emotional cancer. Jesus, I just can’t handle life anymore. Can you please stop the screaming?"

The above are just a few of my journal entries from the past that hint at one of the scarier parts of anorexia....after awhile you lose the ability to feel. I have at times become extremely apathetic toward my life in general...living under the motto, "i just don't care." Feelings bring pain...starvation numbs this pain for me...but along with it it numbs all feeling.

Seriously the amount of times I have cried in the past 6 months can be counted on one hand. I used to be a person who cried at the drop of a hat, I am not exactly sure where I lost this. Life gets scary when you lose emotions.

“…Emotions control me…make me hide in a safe place of silence…my mind stays distant from what my heart feels. If I say it’s real…so I say nothing. I can’t touch it…If I did I would curl up or crumble. I may seem to be made by a heart of stone…but really just chalk…and I’m afraid to face the possibility that I could easily turn to dust.”~Somethingfishy

“We can only heal what we feel…The pain of recovery is like peeling the layers of an onion - tears and all. It is only by getting in touch with our most authentic and genuine self and through honest sharing with others that we begin to move away from the despair caused by our inner sense of shame…Isolation needs to be replaced by intimacy with people.” ~French Toast For Breakfast

I was talking with a person from my church awhile back who is a licensed social worker with some experience with working with eating disorders. I was telling her that I just couldn't feel God there anymore. She pointed out that once I shut down my emotions it is impossible to feel God....I can acknowledge him being there but I just simply can't feel his presence. This is really really scary.

So now that starvation is no longer an option to deal with the pain in life...I am slowly (very slowly) being forced to face some of those feelings that I have blocked out for so long. More often than not it comes in the form of frustration and just this past week a few more tears are beginning to trickle down my face to remind me of my aliveness...it's hard though.

One day I fear a flood happening as my tear ducts finally decide to let loose because I know there are a lot of tears that have built up that are just waiting to come out.

Really the main tears come in church...the past few weeks I just start to cry for no apparent reason as I sit in the Hilton hotel. They stop pretty fast though. The worse though was yesterday after my Dr. Brackett appointment. I left his office just full of fear and shame and confusion and a billion other emotions that I don't even have a name for simply because I knew he now knew my deepest secret....my weight. I didn't know what to do with myself. I knew I just wanted to cry but wasn't sure how. I walked down the street toward the t station and as I sat waiting for the subway slow and silent tears began to trickle down my face...it was strange....it was scary...I desperately wanted a hug but the people around me looked a little too sketchy to be requesting hugs from.

“…with every tear there are a thousand more that need to follow so I may climb from the darkness.” ~Something Fishy