The Counselor Crisis

I'm realizing more and more that this is a really intense blog...which I strongly apologize for anyone out there that may be reading this. And I kind of want to send out a note that in daily life I am not nearly this intense of a person. The past year has been pretty intense in general, but overall in life I tend to be pretty light hearted and filled with laughter. This has just become my out to get rid of some of those crazy thoughts that stream through my head.

With that said...on to another intense conversation of me venting of how much I despise counselors (not the people themselves, just the profession). From the very beginning they were far more frustrating to me than the eating thing itself. I distinctly remember one of my eariler conversations with Dr. Brubaker (the medical doctor at Houghton)...as he tried to work his way up to the point of introducing the idea to me, "I know that this is going to be the hardest thing for you. But I think it is important to consider. Would you be willing to go to the counseling center?" ...Which I responded with a squirm and a response of 'No way.' I did not like the stigma that a counselor would bring. I relied on Jesus to meet all my needs...I didn't need to talk to a therapist. I was not crazy. (This theory was later proven way wrong but I am not going to get into that now)

Unfortunately, when you go to a small Christian college, of course the doctor and the counselor are good friends so Dr. Brubaker actually left me in the office as he went to the counseling center to see if he could get me an appointment.

In the past year now I have been to 4 different counselors and three of them have dumped me in one way or another. Every appointment I have gone to I have left far more frustrated than when I came. People tell me things like "Counseling isn't easy." and "Sometimes its just hard to find the right fit but you should try again." Quite frankly, when counselors abandon you, you start losing trust in all people. I have poured out so much of my life to these people and have become extremely vulnerable and when they just stop talking to me, they leave me alone.. but take all that I have told them with them. In the end I am left very hurt and the wounds that were already there just deepen. Well, as of yesterday I am officially done with counselors (although this is the one relationship that I ended and not the other way around).

The one that I just left just creeped me out a little, although he was a nice guy. I think all of my past experiences with counselors didn't help matters but I just could not communicate with him. I did ask him if I could see someone else at the center but he told me that he had already asked around but no one felt comfortable taking me on...ha.

I don't want to bash counselors completely because I know they have done wonders for other people, it just was not a right fit for me. Anytime I would walk into one of their offices I would just freeze, feeling radically uncomfortable pouring out the ickiest part of my life on a complete stranger. The thing I hated the most though is that I felt like I was almost talking to a subhuman robot....someone who had their own life completely together and couldn't relate at all with the pain that I was going through. In some ways they did nothing but make me feel tremendously more inadequate. I know it was supposed to be a "professional" relationship and counselors are taught not to talk about their personal lives, but without some self disclosure on their part, how am I supposed to be comfortable telling them my life story? I hate being that vulnerable with someone and I hate relationships that are just me taking from them, feeling I have nothing to give.

Often times because of this, I get nowhere with these people that I spend an incredibly awkward hour a week with. I just shut off completely and they do all the talking. I don't have answers for their questions but often times I understand a lot more than they think I do...I just can't communicate this.

However, I still meet with my doctor every other week and I wouldn't describe our relationship that way at all. Although it can still be awkward and he asks questions that I don't have answers for, he creates a safe environment for me to talk to him and actually makes it quite clear that he is human, which is great to know. The relationship is still professional but he occasionally tells me things that he has been through in his own life that relate to some of my struggles, so not only does he let me know that he is imperfect as well, he gives me hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

My real issue with all of this is the "professionalization of care". We have all heard it talked about occasionally in church or other places but I have seen it lived out in my everyday life and that has been by far the most painful thing about this eating disorder. I just feel like I am shipped from one person to the other. No one feels "qualified" to talk to me and a few of my friends have been told to "stop caring" and to "leave her to the professionals." Again, I don't want to say that professionals can't help because both my doctor and nutritionist have helped a great deal but I feel as a church as a whole we are called to take care of each other but it seems like the church in america has lost what care really is.

“To care means first of all to be present to each other. From experience, you know that those who care for you become present to you. When they listen, they listen to you. When they speak, you know they speak to you. And when they ask questions, you know it is for your sake and not their own. Their presence is a healing presence because they accept you on your terms and they encourage you to take your own life seriously and to trust your own vocation.” ~ Henri Nouwen

“Our tendency is to run away from the painful realities or to try to change them as soon as possible. But cure without care makes us into rulers, controllers, manipulators and prevents a real community from taking shape. Cure without care makes us preoccupied with quick changes, impatient and unwilling to share each others burden. And so cure can often become offending instead of liberating. It is therefore not so strange that cure is not seldom refused by people in need. Not only have individuals refused help when they did not sense a real care, but also oppressed minorities have resisted support, and suffering nations have declined medicine and food when they realized that it was better to suffer than to lose self-respect by accepting a gift out of a non-caring hand.” ~Henri Nouwen

I have a lot more to say on this but my blogs are already too long as it is so I will continue later on...