Insomnia

Well, I thought it would be a good time to write about this topic because it is hitting some early hours of the morning and despite being exhausted...I simply can't sleep.

This is what the eating disorder voices do to you....when everyone else in the house snuggles nice and warmly in their beds I am kept awake by never ending screaming in my brain.

Where is the off switch?

My stomach screams, "You are hungry! Go to the kitchen and find something to eat!"
But Ana screams, "You have already had your daily calorie allotment and you get no more. Hold strong. Revel in the joys of starvation. Look how much self control you have!"

My brain physically hurts at the chaos that is happening inside of it....not like the pain you get with a headache...I can't really describe it but it just feels like it is about to explode.

And this is the start of a typical sleepless night. I never used to have trouble sleeping at all. I would be out the second my head hit the pillow and would sleep til 9 or 10 in the morning if I had no where to go....Now I count it a blessing if I can sleep past 7...and I have absolutely no where to be.

Ana chooses this time to attack because she knows she has me cornered. Everyone in the house is sleeping...everyone I would feel comfortable calling to help defeat the lies are resting in their beds. At Houghton I would just wander out of the house and go for a walk...but I don't think that is a smart idea in Boston at this time in the night. I feel so trapped. It's dark...literally and figuratively.

It's the feeling of being lost in the woods....and not a nice safe pretty woods but the type you would see in a horror movie.... the kind that causes you to jump at every single sound or movement, wondering what could be lurking behind that tree. I am desperately searching for Jesus...that savior to come and hold me close and assure me that it will be all right.

But to be honest...although I know he is here, I really don't feel him.

I have never done the purging thing in my battle with anorexia...I have pretty much limited myself to starvation alone. However, I think I can sympathize with the people that do. You just feel that utter grossness that you want to get out of you in someway....so purging becomes the way to do that.

But I just keep all that ickiness inside....

*sigh* well....Jesus I guess tomorrow is a new day.