A Fight For Independence

So what do you think of when you think of the word 'independence'?

It has now become one of the words in my vocabulary that I greatly despise however, at one point I held it as one of my strongest values.

Actually, there I go talking in past tense again, if I am honest with myself somewhere in me I am still extremely stubborn and want nothing more than independence. However, I am right now in a fight to end the fight for independence if that makes any sense.

Now just to clarify something, for me independence always meant just completely relying on God for everything but never having to be dependent on another human being. Me and Jesus could go anywhere and I did not 'need' any one else. I am not exactly sure where this value kicked in so strongly for me but I do believe it is a pretty strong American value in general. In regards to the eating disorder thing, for the longest time I believed just locking myself in a room with a bible and Jesus would get me out of it.

I have just viewed it as a huge sign of weakness of faith to have to ask people for anything....whether it was financial support, material needs, emotional needs, spiritual help...or even a simple hug when I was having a bad day. Well, God has begun to humble me a little bit on this because in the past year I have been forced to rely on other people for all of these.

However, with the help of my mentor back at Houghton I am slowly beginning to realize that this is not a value at all but a curse. Christine, who has traveled the world as a missionary, told me that if you step foot into another culture you won’t see it at all. It really is an American value, not a biblical one. It is ok to seek support from other human beings. Just simply being a part of the body of Christ we were made to depend on each other. A hand can not say to a foot, "I do not need you."

The following is a journal entry from when I went to visit Christine back in February:

"Christine showed me that it is actually healthy to break down that need for independence that our culture strives for and to become weak. We all go through some extremely trying times in life where we just need the church to hold us for awhile until we are healed. It doesn’t have to be a permanent thing. When I’m healed, I will likely get the opportunity to hold someone else. And frankly, that vision in itself sounds a whole lot more freeing than the independence thing that was just holding me in complete bondage. "

"It really has been my pride holding me back and I just need to be humbled to a lower level. Humbled to the point that I actually have to rely on other people to take care of me for awhile and that is beyond terrifying but I think I will come out a ‘stronger’ person because of it. I also was explaining to Christine how I had a very hard time discerning truth from lies in my head, everything was all jumbled. She immediately said that is what community is for. If I just locked myself in a room with Jesus and a Bible, it is likely that those Ana lies would get the best of me."

" However, as I start talking my mind out with others, they can help me see truth. They can guide me in truth and tell me what are just the lies. She used the metaphor of brick-building. One brick does very little good but when you put them together, they make something beautiful."

"It’s not just a give give give thing to those who are less fortunate like I had been making Christianity out to be. I need to be willing to receive as well. As the old song goes, “Will you let me be your servant, let me be as Christ to you, pray that I might have the grace to let you be my servant too. The last part is the part that I have always had difficulty with. She told me that if my appendix burst, I would probably rely on others to help me so why is this different? And not only doctors, but friends and family would probably be around offering care and encouragement."

This remind me of what Hank at reunion once said..."If you need to go to the hospital bring a friend because it has been proven to help you heal faster."

I have no idea why this is so hard for me though. But in the readings I have done...it is common thread among most anorexics:

"The anorexic abhors her emotional neediness, and so will starve herself as a way of proclaiming, ‘Look how strong I am. I have no needs. I don’t need food. I don’t need anyone. I have triumphed over my weaknesses and I am in control.” ~French Toast for Breakfast

“People with eating problems often feel their emotional needs are repulsive and see their bodies as the external symbol for these shameful inner needs. ‘If I can control my body,’ they think, ‘then I can control my emotional neediness.’ Actually, many have no idea what their needs really are because everything has become so detoured through food. Others mistakenly consider their need for nurturing as selfish.” ~ French Toast For Breakfast

“When we stave, we become totally self-sufficient and do not have to rely or depend on others. We try to become invulnerable because a ‘rock feels no pain. And an island never cries.’ Only when we stop this emotional eating do we discover just how needy and vulnerable we really are, and that can be scary.” ~French Toast For Breakfast

I can relate with the above quotes all too well. I was in the mission to prove to the world that I could do everything by myself. I left my hometown and went off to college where I traveled great distances (both figurative and literal)...crossed the ocean to serve in Romania for a summer....moved to Boston to serve in the inner city. And as many know, I was about to head to Korea this summer for a year teaching position. However, my motives behind it were simply to prove to myself and to the world and to God that I could do it. I didn't know how just to sit still because my life over the past few years has been constantly trying to prove myself as that "island" who needs nobody.