Thin

So this is going to be another one of those times that I do two blog entries back to back because I seem divided between the part of me that wants to scream at the top of my lungs and that part of me that is so grateful to be back in Akron. So to remain genuine I am going to write about both.

As much as I am glad I am here…being back has brought a lot of unexpected struggles and anxiety. All revolve around weight and mirrors and my being way too concerned of how others perceive me.

Yesterday we had a GREAT fourth (see pics on facebook if you are interested!) However, this also meant seeing friends and family that I haven’t seen since Christmas and some as long ago as my brothers wedding a year ago. Both of those times I was a lot thinner than I am now. In fact at my brother’s wedding I was at my absolute lowest weight and seeing pictures are exceptionally hard for me because in my mind that was when I was some how the “prettiest.” People were constantly giving me compliments about how good I looked and how beautiful I was and wanted to know my secret to being so thin. My dress actually had to be safety pinned because it was way too big on me. Ana fed off those ‘compliments’. She reminded me how well I was doing. I just needed to keep it up and that was the key to happiness. The people who were giving me these compliments had no idea that my key to staying thin was starving myself. They had no idea that at the time of the wedding I was eating next to nothing.

But a year later…people aren’t giving me those ‘compliments’ any more. Again, I have no idea how much I actually weigh now but I am convinced it is far more than I was before I even got into this whole mess. I fear the unvoiced whispers behind my back, “Gosh Jenna has gained some weight hasn’t she?”

And although my own self perception might be a little screwed up…I know my family enough to know that these are the things they actually talk about. I heard the comments about others all day yesterday, “Laura’s looking good isn’t she?” “Tish lost weight.” “Why do you think Karen wore that?” Sometimes my family is overly observant.

My cousin insisted that I go swimming with her because it is tradition but I felt grotesque in my bathing suit.

In church this morning my anxiety was at a great high. I have no idea what the speaker talked about. All I could concentrate on was the amount of fat that was growing on my body because of all the food I ate at the picnic yesterday. I was frustrated. Praying to Jesus for help for the billionth time but honestly sometimes wondering if he really hears me. My mind just raced with all that I needed to do to somehow get back to that weight that I was at a year ago. But in the end up even more frustrated because I know that that would be near impossible…even if I stopped eating all together. After awhile your body loses it’s ability to lose weight because it goes into “fat storage” mode…so in the end I ultimately still lose.