Normal

This is going to be the first of two blogs right in a row...the second one I promise is going to be much more optimistic.

But this one is going to talk about some of the challenges of being home. In particular one particular converstaion I had with my mom this morning.

The mirrors in the house are freaking me out. I look at them and all I see is fat. I remember how I looked in these mirrors 6 months ago (the last time I was home) and all I can see is how much 'flab' I have gained since then.

After one of these major freak outs I went to my mom telling her I felt like I had gained 30lbs and I told her I looked like a hippo. She told me that I was not a hippo and that I looked 'normal'.

Now I can't even begin to tell you what that one simple word did to me, particularly because it was my mom that said it. Although she immediately regreted it and tried to take it back, it was too late. Ana was already running with it.

Normal means I am no longer skinny. Normal means I am fat. In fact obesity is becoming the norm in America. My contentment and peace that came from being on vacation vanished instantaneously as Ana reminded me that tomorrow was the 4th and that I was going to have to put that dreaded bathing suit on if I wanted to go swimming. 'Normal' means I have failed. I was ugly. I need somehow to get back to thin. Maybe that means vacation can't be vacation after all. Maybe I should be running. Maybe I should be starving. I sat in my room for an hour with my head in my pillow as my mind raced with all of the implications (of my own) that came with this word 'normal' . I beat myself up for my inconsistency...one moment I was at peace with Jesus and thankful for this break and the next all I wanted to do was run away. My mom knew she upset me and I know she didn't mean to. I had a conversation with her that helped but all day long any time I have seen my reflection anywhere I cringe as the word 'normal' screams in my head.

And only after day one of being on vacation I feel morbidly obese and feel like I have eaten way too much. Somewhere in me tells me I haven't but my stomach just does not like having a 'normal' amount of food in me.

Prayer is good...really really good. I need this break more than ever. I need to feel the peace that only Jesus can provide...the last thing I need is Ana screaming her reminders to me of how much I have failed....but on to a much much more optimistic blog entry...