I have now been back in Boston about a week and a half. Settling into my new apartment with Emma. She is definitely warming up to the place. For the most part I LOVE it here. It can be a little difficult because I never see any of my roommates because they have insane summer schedules so it can get a little lonely but I can't thank God enough for the opportunity to live here.
Good quick story...so the neighborhood here is definitely different from the one I just moved from, which was actually something I intentionally wanted when looking for new apartments. My last neighborhood was fairly "safe" compared to this one....but this one is much more alive. There are kids everywhere!! In fact there is a playground right across the street. I love sitting in my room and listening to the non stop giggling of little children. They all already seem to know who I am but I am struggling to remember all of their strange names :) But yesterday a girl named Shawna and one named Tinye (I have no idea how to spell that) were playing with their Bratz dolls on our front porch. I stopped to talk with them a bit and as I did I noticed that Tinye's doll had no feet. I questioned her on that but as I did I noticed that none of the 6 or 7 dolls there had any feet. Tinye told me that is how they all are...Bratz dolls just don't have feet. At this point Shawna defensively piped in, "yes they do! I just take all the feet off because I think they are ugly!"
Oh gosh...this girl has feet issues
Anyway, being back has been bittersweet. Sweet in the fact that my new place is great, I have a cat, and it is great to see everyone again. Bitter in the fact that this week eatingwise has reminded me a lot of the one when I returned home from Christmas break last January. (This is the week that I ended up having to leave work...but this time I have no job to leave).
I think I hinted at this in my previous blog entries, but I was able to get a lot of quiet God time when I was home to just be able to reflect on life and this past year of life specifically. A lot has happened since I was last able to sit out on that igloo :)
I tried to reflect on some basic truths that I had somehow forgotten....namely the fact that I am a child of God and that I am free from condemnation. I came alive again when I was home (it helped that my nutritionist's 'no label' advice actually got a good amount of food in my system!)
Over and over and over and over, I have tried to fix the 'problem' . Somewhere deep within me believing that life will be so much better if I could just get my act together. Right now I am just messing things up completely but some day I will understand. Some day I will do it better. Many times I have recognized the importance of surrendering to God but frankly my understanding of 'surrender' has just left me more agitated and far from at peace. However, the lesson I learned over break was very different. Larry Crabb writes:
"True life is knowing God. Jesus said so. And the life is Christ himself, not the bread He could multiply or the corpse He could resurrect, but Him. Being in Him, having Him in us, living with His energy, chasing after His purposes, loving what He loves, seeing Him form in us until we're actually like Him - that's life. And it can be enjoyed in bankruptcy or affluence, from a hospital bed or a deck chair on a cruise ship, or when you walk out of a divorce court you never thought you'd see or into a surprise party celebrating fifty years of wonderful marriage."
Life is intimacy with God. Notice he says nothing about life happening once anorexia is gone :). I took great amounts of comfort in the verse in Romans where Paul admits that he struggles with sin as well, "For that which I am doing I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I do not wish to do....So now, no longer am I the one doing it, but the sin which indwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the wishing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not. For the good that I wish, I do not do; but I practice the very evil that I do not wish. But if I am doing the very thing I do not wish, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me."
But now that I feel like I am writing a research paper, I really like what Neil Anderson has to say about those verses:
"Do these verses say that I am no good, that I am evil or that I am sin? Absolutely not. They say that I have something dwelling in me which is no good, evil and sinful, but it's not me. If I have a sliver in my finger, I could say that I have something in me which is no good. But it's not me who's no good. I'm not the sliver. The sliver which is stuck in my finger is no good. I am not sin and I am not a sinner. I am a saint struggling with sin which causes me to do what I don't want to do." ~Neil Anderson
So often I equate my failures with who I am, when I forget that God calls us saints. I was begining to comprehend for the first time that the pressure is off. The darkness is not who I am. Trying to "get it right" has not worked for me. Over and over I try. To some degree I might have some success...but in the end I am still stuck. I think I had in my mind that God wouldn't love me until this eating thing was gone (which even writing right now I can see what I a lie that was but was something I was often deceived into believing)
But I began to realize that my goal was off to begin with. My main goal was fixing the problem but to quote Larry Crabb one more time:
"We're living under deception. The supreme blessing He longs to give us is Himself. No other blessing is guarenteed until heaven. The blessings we now claim are so often something less than an empowering, enlivening, pride-destroying, self-effacing, joy-giving encounter with God....It breeds confusions and pressure. Wasn't I a good enough husband? Is that why she left me? I tried so hard to be a good parent. What did I do wrong? Was I too firm? Not firm enough? What do I do to make things better? God, why won't you tell me what I can do that will work? I promise I'll do it! Anything! JUST TELL ME!"
That has been my prayer far too often. I will do anything...just tell me what to do!
I would cry over and over to God for help. However, although it sounds weird my main goal should not be freedom from this eating disorder, but simply to draw near to God. All of the questions that I don't have answers to just cause me to downward spiral more because I can never do it right. Even though some of these lessons were nothing new, I still ask myself, "what am I doing wrong?" But when I began to comprehend that God simply is calling me to be still and draw near to him a whole lot of pressure began to come off.
However, as I wrote in my journal when I was home,
"Drawing near to God as I walk through some pretty dark stuff. But it is much harder to see the dark when there are so many butterflies around me."
Suddenly the butterflies disappeared when I came back to Boston. It seemed like almost immediately after returning the darkness became all too dark. The questions came pouring in again, "God what am I doing wrong?" "I don't understand. How can I make it better?" In my head if I really trusted God, then I wouldn't be doing this. If I really believed in God, I would be eating disorder free. If I loved God, then I would be able to change my behavior. And I can't!!! Coming back was worse than ever. I had convinced myself that because I was "being still and drawing near", I would experience instantaneous freedom and would be able to eat. And since this has yet to happen... I still must be doing something wrong.
However, in church on Sunday, Hank said one thing that brought an overwhelming flood to my eyes and joy and peace to my soul. He said, "Just because you are currently unable to manage this behavior does not mean you are not a Christ Follower." I was in a state of shock. I think this was the first time I began to realize that my being a christ follower was not based on my ability to get my act together or not....and that's what I think surrender and freedom really is.
So I am being still and drawing near. With that comes a great amount of peace. It seems really messed up actually because my eating habits are worse than ever and it has come to the point that I have greatly concerned my professional support team....but the thing that has changed is that I no longer feel hopeless and defeated. It doesn't mean that I still don't want things to change, but the pressure is off when I can just be still. I have told some of my readers this already but many times I have just longed for someone to come and tell me that things were going to be ok. I needed to see that light. But I am realizing that Jesus did far better and told me today things are ok. I no longer need to wait for someday. I don't have to wait for my behavior to change...his grace is sufficient for today and that makes everything ok :)
*Cause you will come alive again, Call the trying times your friend. The pain that you have suffered through, will never get the best of you. You will hope in something real that won't depend on how you feel. When you call my name, then I will answer. Cause I have heard your cry and it breaks my heart for I love you so. I would never lie, this is not the end. There is still a hope.*
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