Running

I stepped on a tread mill a year and half ago and haven't got off yet. In fact - I have done nothing but increase my speed.



When You Run - Michael Duff (This is actually a well done music video that is worth the watch)



You're sitting up all night again

Your world is closing in and it feels like it's the end

And you don't know how much more that you can take

But you know you've seen this place before and it don't break

So you run, and you run, and you run

When you feel that the fight can't be won

As you move along, you'll find your cares and the morning sun

Always catch you when you're done

When you run



You're sitting on your knees again

Praying everything will just up and wash away

And the grass is always greener when it's new

And there's nothing in your lawn but weeds and it won't do

So you run, and you run, and you run

When you feel that the fight can't be won

As you move along, you'll find your cares and the morning sun

Always catch you when you're done

When you run



What's it gonna take - why do we carry on this way?

And I wanna believe that you're only restless

But it's always the same and you never wanna take that test - so you run

_____________________________________________________________
I went into my doctor's appointment today exhausted. When he asked me how things had been going the past 2 weeks I told him, "I have nothing. I am tired and I am frustrated. Nothing is changing and I am in desperate need of encouragement."

The poor guy doesn't know what to do with me. I've got to be a pretty exhausting patient. After pouring my counselor frustrations out on him once more he told me that it is clear the methods that we tried are not working so it is time to look at different ones. He brought up acupuncture and seeing a psychiatrist. I gave him my ever famous, "I think you're crazy" look.

I will admit that I am against the pyschiatrist because of the stigma that comes with it. I don't want to put drugs in my body to change my behavior, although I will admit that they can work wonders for others. I also know for a fact that their is no anti-eating disorder pill. The closest they could probably come up with is an anti-depressant....and I am not depressed. As long as I have food in my body giving me energy....I tend to be a fairly happy person. (But the key is food there...without it, I am a mess!)

I think I might do a whole separate entry on the acupuncture thing some other time because I am intrigued by it. My answer is no way because of the needles. However, I wonder if this is something that would be interfering with my Christian beliefs. I am open to different types of medicine, not believing at all that western medicine is the only way, but get a little antsy when it comes to the spiritual side of acupuncture. So I am definitely open to words of wisdom if anyone has any thing to say on this topic.

But now I am getting off topic. Running from the original topic that is...the topic of running. Ana allows me to run. She tells me to keep running and to not look back. Don't take the time to feel pain. Don't put the energy into relationships that are bound to eventually hurt you...just run.

I have started reading a new book called The Pressure's Off by Larry Crabb recomended by Steve (thanks!) along side the Victory over Darkness book that Rose gave me (thanks!). Sandwiched inbetween is the best selling book of all time - The Bible...where I am trying to find wisdom in 2 Chronicles. (ha...when that doesn't work I jump to Matthew and 1 Corinthians) Overall, desperately trying to seek God...I am well aware that no amounts of nurtionists, counselors, doctors, acupuncturists, or psychiatrists are going to get me out of this without Him. I desire Jesus - no more, no less...but sometimes that just doesn't seem to be enough.

Anyway, on the first page of Larry Crabb's book was the question, "Fellow seeker, will you dare to imagine what for so long you've feared may not be available?"

That question struck me. I stopped reading. I normally have a great imagination. It is something I took great pride in growing up (Example: Right now my penguin is wearing a band-aid because my stuffed shark bit him)...but to imagine what I fear is not going to be available...that's tough. That's setting myself up for potential hurt. It is easier to run the other way than face God. I fear being left alone, so I live in Ana's life boat. I fear disappointment, so I don't allow myself to hope. I fear hurt and comdemnation so I don't allow myself to feel God's presence and I stop talking to him.

"Thank you God', the woman made herself pray as she crawled into bed. 'I know you will take me to heaven when this life is over. Thank you for the gift of eternal life that I could never work hard enough to earn. And I know you have a plan for me now, before I go home. I will continue to trust you to bring it about.' Before sleep came, she could hear herself add, 'But what am I doing that's getting in the way? What am I doing wrong?" ~Larry Crabb

Took the words right out of my mouth. Jesus what am I doing wrong? What am I missing? This is not the life You meant for me to live, I know that. I am not getting it. What am I doing wrong? I am not trusting enough. I don't have enough faith. I don't pray enough. I don't read the Bible enough. I don't spend enough time with You. I am not being the person you want me to be. It's exasperating...and this is why I run.

I don't see myself the way God sees me. I have a hard time grasping my identity in Christ. So I fear his condemnation. I fear him being disappointed with me. I fear him pointing out to me the parts that I hate most about myself.

Avalon lyrics ring once again in my head "It's all about surrender, giving up, being still."

Surrender is hard. Everytime I think I have surendered all I have...I have to come to the realization that I have only surrendered a tiny bit of my life. I grasp hold of control like nothing else before.

Again, I don't know where my view of Christianity got distorted. The thing I fear most from God is condemnation...However, it tells me right in Romans 8:1 that I am free forever from condemnation. The Christianity that I have been taught (or have taught myself) doesn't really line up with the bible.

I can tell that this is going to be one of those blogs in which I just ramble on for long periods of time as I try to get my own thoughts straightened out so anyone who may have read this far I almost suggest stopping because you may just get yourself more confused than I am :)

But all of this just leaves me more messed up. "Sadly, a great number of Christians are trapped in the same pit. We fail, so we see ourselves as failures, which only causes us to fail more. We sin, so we see ourselves as sinners, which only causes us to sin more. We've been sucked into the devil's futile equation. We've been tricked into believing that we we do makes us what we are and that false belief sends us to a tailspin of hopelessness and defeat." ~Neil Anderson
My desperate plea is HELP. Get me out. I know I can't do it on my own. Please just come and help.

I never wanted anything more than to be real. To be a real follower of Christ...even in brokeness. I wanted to be genuine and never fake. Since I went to college and began to discover what Christianity was for myself, I never wanted to be a rule follower. I didn't want to be one of the Pharisees. I wanted to go against the flow and follow Jesus. But in trying not to be that person, I failed. Nothing was ever enough. Somewhere in the past year and a half I have learned to live my life with fake smiles....scared to be myself. Walking around with a fear of rejection and comdemnation.

"[The Old way] never delivers, though it may seem to for a long time. The Old way doesn't work for one reason: You never keep your end of the bargain, not completely. No one does." ~Larry Crabb
The truth is hard to see sometimes and even harder to accept. I know this stuff, but I still try to live my way.

Paul in 1 Corinthians 10:20 (The Message) writes, I don't want you to become part of something that reduces you to less than yourself." That makes me think of my Remember Who You Are blog entry. I am more than I think I am....but not by anything I have done.

I am covering a lot of different issues in this blog but I really haven't blogged much in the past few weeks so I have a lot to catch up on. Neil Anderson wrote that it takes 4 positive comments to undo 1 negative comment. That is so true. Conversations I have with anyone, I remember the negative things they say about me and Ana is great at getting me to skip over the positive. I hear condemnation - not love. If someone tells me I am not trying hard enough...that is what sticks with me for days and months afterward. It somehow erases everytime they have told me the potential that I have and the love and affirmation they have poured out on me. If 100 people were to tell me that a dress looks great on me, it still would only take one person (probably a person that I hold some sort of trust in) to tell me that it was not my color for me to never wear it again.

I think I am scared of hearing this same negativity from Jesus. I fear not being accepted by him. So I run.

Nameless - by me
A million voices scream after me,
Failure! Loser! Pharisee! Hypocrite!
You don't trust!
You don't have faith!
You are not trying hard enough!
You are not getting it right!
No one could possibly like you, let alone love you!
Fake! You're worthless!

I run and I run.
Faster and faster.
I run head first into a brick wall
I fall down.
Exhausted and hurt
I curl into a ball
I plug my ears...
I start screaming myself
But my screams are lost in the midst of the chaos in my brain

Hopeless and defeated
Unable to stand
I find myself cradled in the arms
Too weary to fight them
He picks me up and carries me
...back through the mud that I have been running from
Folded safely in his robe
Nothing can harm me

But I haven't stopped my own screaming
I can't hear his gentle whispers of love
When you have lived in darkness so long,
Light hurts your eyes
Trapped in a smelly stable of my own failures
And unable to see that I have been set free

Stall Out -Mute Math
Racing on a faultline
Bracing for a landslide
Concious of every move getting harder
Has the race gone underwater?
I keep stalling out
I just can't keep up
There's alarming doubt
Am I good enough?
But you keep coming around
To convince me
It's still far from over