Failure

*Warning...not a happy blog....I am not in the greatest of moods so who knows what is going to come out on this....and this one is even more intensely personal than some of the rest but at this point I really don't care*

City Year graduation was tonight. I had been going back and forth for awhile of whether or not I should attend. I wanted more than anything to support my friends, teammates, and housemates....but I knew it would be really hard.

10 months ago I joined City Year, completely determined that I would make it through to the end. I knew it was going to be difficult, but with Jesus you can get through anything. Ana was there right from the beginning, however, when Katie (my program manager) put that red jacket on me back in September, I knew why I was doing the program. I was doing it for Jesus, and he alone would see me through to the end of it. I was commited. I was living in a completely different environment than what I was used to...I had moved hundreds of miles away from the home I grew up in and went from rural akron to urban boston....100% following the lead of Jesus. I didn't know what I was doing or what I was getting myself involved in but from the moment I arrived in boston Jesus told me that this was home...not surprisingly for me, this happened in the form of a song:

This is Home - Switchfoot
I've got my memories
They're always inside of me
But I can't go back
Back to how it was
I believe it now
I've seen too much
But I can't go back
Back to how it was

Created for a place I've never known
This is Home
Now I'm finally where I belong
Where I belong
Yeah, this is home
I've been searching for a place of my own
Now I've found it,
Yeah this is home
Yeah, this is home

Belief over misery
I've seen the enemy
And I won't go back
Back to how it was
And I've got my heart set on what happens next
I've got my eyes wide and it's not over yet
We are miracles
And we're not alone

And now after all my searching
After all my questions
I'm gonna call it home
I've got a brand new mindset
I can finally see the sunset
I'm gonna call it home

I was scared but I was full of so much hope. Day by day I would get through. However, day by day life just got worse and worse...if you are reading this more likely than not you already know my story. The days went by, the weeks went by....Nothing seemed to be able to stop me from my radical downward spiral. I screamed to God for freedom. I attempted to cling to that little bit of faith that I had left. Every spare moment that I had energy I would be journaling to Jesus that I needed his help. In fact, in rereading my journals from the past year and a half - 'help' is by far the most common word. I just opened my journal to a random page from September of last year:
September 22, 2008
6:24am
*Step by step you'll lead me and I will follow you all of my days*
A new week
This thing has a tighter hold on me than I ever could imagine. Jesus I'm scared. Those waves are high and they are crashing into the boat. I know you can stop them with one word. And honestly that would be great if you decided to do that again. But Jesus I also know you can take me and soar with me above the storm.
I'm looking up to you. My arms are out. Keep reminding me of your love for me because I need it. Remind us all of your grace on a daily basis. Help me in life today please Jesus. It is a little overwhelming thinking it is Monday - the start of another week. But help me view it as a new week. Help me tackle today and we will worry about tomorrow when it comes. And if we have to we will take it hour by hour, moment by moment.
With you I can do this but not alone.


I couldn't comprehend what was happening to me but I knew that Jesus was the only one that was going to bring me through. He was all I had....with the exception of one friend, he was the only one that knew. But it wasn't long before friends, counselors, the boss, and the doctor got involved. I ended up in the hospital one day before heading home for Christmas break. And when I got back from break I lasted a whole week at City Year before I knew I physically couldn't do it anymore. I needed to leave for awhile to get my brain straigtened out. That was hard. I felt defeated...but even then...there was hope. I was going to go back. I would finish out the year with my teammates. I would keep the commitment that I made to God...this was just a small detour.

But it turned into a big detour...and it wasn't until the begining of May that I began to acknowledge that I wasn't going back and I have already talked about in previous blog entries the sense of failure that came with this. To be honest if City Year was still going on, I don't think I am in a place now that it would be healthy for me to return.

But back to graduation tonight. I had made up my mind that I wanted to go but yesterday some severe doubts began pouring my way. I didn't think I could face it because I knew those feelings of failure would be coming at me at full speed. By the end of the night I had just decided that it was easier for me not to go.

Many people have told me that I am not a failure...which is nice of them but the 'failure feeling' is still there. The counselor has been trying hard to get me to focus on all I accomplished when I was still in City Year (which I will vent about at some other time)...but where I am right now, I feel like I failed...failed myself more than anything else.

Ironically enough, my friend's parents sent me an email that offered the encouragement I needed to get me to actually show up at graduation tonight. But it was way harder than I ever expected. It was great seeing a lot of the people I haven't seen since January....but it was extraordinarily difficult not being one of the people wearing the red jacket with pride. I am so proud of my friends for making it through...they have done some great things for the kids in the city of boston....but I wanted more than anything to be sitting with them.

When I was still in city Year I envisioned that moment a lot with great anticipation. I imagined my parents being there and me getting to show off a little bit of what city year culture is like. I liked being part of city year....I took pride in being united with the the other corps members. It did have its ups and downs but there was a sense of belonging amongst the corps members that was made even more evident tonight...but I sat on the outside.

As I remembered my promise to Jesus back in September and saw all the red jackets fill up the room...the tears started to come. The only thing that stopped an outright flood was the girl sitting next to me screaming everytime someone she knew got there diplomma and poking me with side comments. I was annoyed but really kind of grateful because it took my attention away from my overflowing tear ducts. I was a mess and more than ever needed to experience the grace of Jesus. I just longed for him to come and pick me up and carry me away from all of the pain and the hurt.

It's been a rough day....and this weekend is going to get rougher. Starting today I have approximately 16 rough goodbyes to get through within the next week for people who have played a significant part in my life in the past year...all housemates, teammates, or friends...some all of the above.

I try to switch my perspective around to see that my life is just going in a different direction and there are brand new starts for everyone...but it all kind of hurts a lot and sometimes I just want to quit.

:( Maybe it is just time for bed....I will think of something happier to write for tomorrow...