Progress

Since I had my "revelation" in March that I had to eat otherwise I was going to die, I have made progress.

I am not the same person I was then and I have learned a lot about God and about me. I haven't been able to see the changes as they come because it has been so slow...but I know I am doing better simply in the fact that I am eating more and the intense feeling of constantly feeling morbidly obese is not nearly as strong (it is still definitely there, it is just not nearly as intense and it doesn't keep me up at night!) The rules of eating are not quite as rigid anymore (I forgot my hair tie at the gym yesterday so was unable to run and I was able to come back to the house ok in the fact that I did not run. I went out to lunch with Lizzy on Sunday, and although it did involve skipping breakfast in preparation, I was ok with it.) I am enjoying hanging out with people again and have a hope that Ana doesn't always have to rule my life.

I have been making those trembling steps forward, but I'm scared. The second I begin to see progress, I retreat....because something in me doesn't want to say good bye to such a 'good' friend. I panic as I look at the mountain I have climbed and the mountains yet to climb and just kind of sit down, scared stiff, refusing to move...and I begin to inch myself back down the mountain.

It is complete fear....the past always looks safer than the future doesn't it? When I look back to see how far I have climbed, I just see how far I have to fall. I don't want to go through that again. I don't want to disappoint others again...I can't stand failing myself. I'm scared of going back to where I was, but in some ways I am setting myself up for it because it was safe.

A bazillion of the issues that I have already wrote about come pouring at me....lack of trust in God and others, and a huge fear of losing the support I do have. I think my logic is that as long as I stay with Ana, people will still offer support (which I know is messed up). I am afraid that if I tell people I am doing better they will leave me alone to climb the rest of the mountains by myself. I also am scared that if I tell them I have made progress, if I do fall backward again...at what point do they just walk away? But even more so, I don't want to let Ana go because if (and when) these people leave, anorexia has always been my back up plan. Ana doesn't leave (even when I want her to) and numbs that lonely pain.

But the daily grace that comes from Jesus despite all of this amazes me. Each day he teaches me more and more despite what seems like my constant failure. Despite how much I run...He is still there. Church on Sunday was on prayer and one of the suggestions for diving into prayer was journaling. I have always done a lot of journaling and have always kind of viewed my journals as letters to Jesus - it is my favorite way of talking to him. However, the message on Sunday made me realize that my letters were more like instant messages to Jesus and that is just kind of incredible. There is no delivery process, he gets my thoughts before I even write them out on paper.

He knows the struggles that I am having...it is nothing new to him. He knows how much I want to trust him. Just coming to the realization that simply asking for help is enough for him to start moving in his awesome way is greatly encouraging. I seek understanding that few humans are able to give (only 2 people out of my current 9 person support team have experienced an eating disorder themselves)...but knowing that he understands those frustrating parts of me that I can't even put into words is of great comfort.

The following song came on my mp3 player at the gym...and once more was able to hit me right where I am.
If you Want Me To - Ginny Owens
The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Cause I'm not who I was When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I'll go through the valley If You want me to