The Downward Spiral Part 1

So here is the story with the basic facts (although it seems as time goes on there is just more and more to tell).

I was normal...at least I thought I was. I was a spontaneously random 22 year old who for the most part loved life. I did not grow up in a rough family and I was far from depressed. I never considered myself to be someone with a low self esteem or a control freak or a perfectionist or any of the typical things you may think about when you think about someone with an eating disorder.

In the beginning of February 2008, I was having health issues in regards to regulating my hypoglycemia. My sugar levels were way off which was affecting my daily life in that I was constantly tired, couldn't concentrate on anything, my heart beat a mile a minute, and my entire body would just shake. My ballet teacher sent me to the campus doctor. He decided to put me on a 'diet' of eating 6 smalls meals a day instead of 3 larger meals so my body could constantly be getting glucose all day long. After two weeks of eating this way I saw an amazing difference in my body...mainly that I had more energy than I had before and dancing became so much easier. I didn't feel dead by the end of the day. However, this feeling was short lived.

I woke up one morning in April to realize that something in my life had gone drastically wrong. Since being on the new diet I had started to pay attention to things like calories and nutrition labels and actually watching what I ate - things that I didn't really care less about before the new diet and I upped my gym time to an extreme. I still tried to pass it off as part of this new way of eating. I tried to convince myself that I felt great. It was awesome to see that number continually going down on the scale. However, it was just never enough. Within a little over 2 months I had lost 16 pounds, and I really wasn't that big to begin with. I found myself walking down to the room of my best friend to pour out to her some of the things I had been going through the past few months and a little scared of where my life had gone.

I ended up back at the health center talking to Dr. Brubaker again...this time to inform him that the diet had gone way wrong because I had taken it to an extreme. I had cut all my meals in half and literally couldn't think of anything else besides food. I would sit in classes and count how many calories I had eaten that day...proud of how much self control I could have while eating. However, needless to say the doctor was a little concerned, because my body physically was falling apart. He started setting goals for me caloriewise that I rarely met because in my mind I was still in complete control. I just needed to lose a few more pounds, then I would stop and return to normal eating. However, after I lost those few pounds, I needed to lose a few more and would beat myself up if I ever saw the number on the scale go up so much as a decimal of a pound. I walked, I ran, I danced, I starved. This was the way of life for me for almost 3 months. But I did begin to realize, that no matter how much I wanted my own life back, I was getting farther and farther from it.

There a few distinct memories for me in that period of time. One was my brother's wedding....a time of complete joy and celebration for the bride and groom. I couldn't have been happier for them. However, my own personal memories of this occasion are ones of stress and anxiety and wedding cake. When I was Houghton, everything I ate was in my control, I prepared most of my meals myself but while in Maryland everything was up in the air. I stared at that wedding cake way too long. I slowly took the bites to get it down. It tasted delicious...but the guilt I experienced afterward was not worth it. I had to frantically figure out how many calories were in it and how I was going to compensate for it when I returned to Houghton. This wasn't me. This wasn't the carefree and spontaneous Jenna. This was a girl that had become completely controlled by the lies that Satan was screaming into her brain and felt suffocated in her own skin.

But for this semester, there was a time I truly remembering hitting rock bottom. It was Jess and my senior trip to Chicago. She had bought the plane tickets for my birthday. This was a time to celebrate 4 years of friendship and all of our accomplishments and for surviving 4 years of Houghton. However, it was fairly terrible for both of us. My computer came with us so I could still keep tabs on how many calories I had eaten. We couldn't go out to a restaurant without me looking up the menu first online so I could figure out what item had the lowest amount of calories. I was exhausted. Literally my muscles were so weak that I couldn't pick up a pencil. My body just was shutting down. I actually fell asleep in the museum of science. I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to go anywhere. I wanted nothing but to get back to school where I could continue the life I had formed for myself. I was freezing cold and no matter how many layers of clothing I put on, my body could not keep warm (and yes this is the girl that would spend the majority of winter in flip flops and never wear a coat).

While in Chicago I wrote this in my journal: "Help Jesus. I just want to be home. I am failing. I am drowning. I just don't care anymore. I feel smothered. I am not myself. I normally would be able to thrive on the unpredictability of this trip. All I want to do is scream. Jesus, I long for the day where food doesn't rule my life anymore. I feel like I have turned into a monster." What happened to the Jenna who just wanted to spread sunshine and happiness to everyone she meets?

After returning to Houghton from that trip is when things began to change for the better. I had an appointment with Dr. Brubaker the day I returned and he set the goal for me to reach 1350 calories in a day. I thought he was crazy. I went back to my room and just cried to God. I felt so ashamed the way my life had turned and I needed him to drag me out of the mud.

He listened. The next day I felt freedom like I had never experienced before. Before I had even opened my eyes tears of joy began to flood out of them because I knew I was free. The chains that had been holding me down had been unlocked. I felt like David must have felt when he defeated Goliath - victorious, but also knowing that his victory was not his own doing. A lot of people doubted me, but I knew I had been delivered.

I walked down those stairs to our kitchen knowing that it was time to eat...but not exactly sure how to do this. I grabbed the chex from the cupboard and ritualistically got the measuring cups out...prepared to measure out my traditional half cup. I looked into the bowl and I heard a peaceful whisper in my head, "Jenna, you are hungry. Just eat." That was a way different voice than I had been used to hearing. So I just poured chex in the bowl until it was full...and I ate. I just wanted to dance down the street and sing praises to God. Within a few days, the measuring cups were completely gone, I stopped weighing myself, and had shut the computer program down that counted my calories for me. I was able to report back to Dr. Brubaker with much joy and good news and we were able to pray a prayer of Thanksgiving. I remember thinking that the 1350 calorie goal just seemed so small and didn't know how I had possibly survived for the past 3 months. Graduation was just a week a way. Classes were now over and I just had the time of my life to spend with my friends...and celebrate is what we did.

However, I would love to say that this is the way that life continued, but life isn't full of happily ever after endings....and quite frankly it would probably be boring if it did. There is much more to this story but I will continue it on a later day because this post would be forever long if I tried to write it all out here.