Jesus Wasn't "Perfect"

Ok...before I am convicted of heresy let me explain myself.  Namely, I don't think Jesus is everything I have made him out to be.
Wait, I think I am just digging myself in a deeper hole...but actually this revelation is a very good thing for me.

My view of perfection has gone askew. Perfect for me has come to mean strong and unbreakable. It means relying on no one but God. It means not needing anyone. It means not feeling anything...especially "bad" emotions like loneliness, anger, guilt, shame, frustration, sadness, confusion, disappointment, and helplessness.  I have come to label feelings as sins. Good Christians are happy. Well, ok, human beings are not perfect so they are not happy all the time. We all fall sometimes. Therefore, we feel these not good things. But with this thought process I have come to believe that because I feel these things I am sinning. If I was just a little bit stronger I wouldn't feel loneliness. If I had more faith in God I wouldn't feel helpless. If I had all of my trust in God, I would never feel frustrated. I have come to view things as sinful that have nothing to do with sin.

But right now I am reading two different books that have helped me a little to sort out this distorted thinking. The first is one that I am reading with a community group, Changes that Heal by Henry Cloud. This one is helping me see Jesus for who he really is and not for who I have made him out to be. The second is The Food and Feelings book that I am working through with my nutritionist. This one is helping me see feelings as neither bad or good.

But combining these two thoughts led me to this revelation that Jesus does not match the view of perfection I have come to hold.. Jesus was both fully human and fully divine. Jesus was the perfect example of how we should be living our lives. So when I have been striving to be like Jesus under my standard of perfection, I am becoming someone Jesus never intended me to be.

Feelings are part of being human, not part of being sinful. Feelings in themselves were not something that came with the fall. Maybe I'm wrong, right now my brain is just wandering...trying to grasp truth. Jesus  became fully human so he would know all of our weaknesses but be without sin. And part of being human was that he had feelings! And not all the positive ones either. From what I understand from reading the bible, Jesus at times felt lonely, confused, frustrated, angry, sad and an array of other emotions. Jesus even cried! (Something I condemn myself for all the time) However, feelings and sin are so intertwined in my head...how in the world can you feel lonely and not be a bad person?

The other view of perfection I have held is that everything is ok if you are perfect. You make everything great for everyone in the world. But when I start to grasp the real Jesus I am astonished that he didn't help everyone. There were people that were sick and he didn't heal. I am sure there were orphans in the world that remained parentless. There were lonely people that remained hugless. I am sure people had birthdays and he didn't send them cards. As I was journaling this conversation with God, I started to think, seriously how could you call yourself God? I have such a guilt complex a mile high, I forget that you made us human to be human. We are not God. And even though he has the power to do so...he doesn't make everything better and he doesn't expect others to do so either.

When I begin to grasp this I am astonished at the freedom this releases in me. Right now I am not in Haiti. I can't be in Haiti....but that doesn't make me a terribly awful person? I have been trying to be more than He ever expected me to be.
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Jesus wasn't "perfect:...or maybe perfection is not what I have made it out to be.

The other whole issue is that no matter how hard we try...we are never going to be perfect...even in the way Jesus was...but that is grace...a topic that my mind can't even begin to wrestle with right now.